The Mom's the Thing

Nathan and I drove a giant, Volkswagon-sized horse at a Chinese wedding in Pasadena today.

Nathan was dressed like a young Amish boy, or shrunken undertaker, in his black baggy suit and hat.

I don't know when I got old, but it looks like it happened in the last two years - the time elaspsed since I drove the wedding carriage last. I am scared of everything. Scared of the new horse I had to drive (might have helped if I test-drove him before potentially wrecking someone's wedding). Didn't help that I had a ripping headache and anxiety fest as Asians frolicked around the carriage and I knew I was responsible for every fleshy body that came near gigantic horse with telephone pole size legs. I had to keep sending little 10 year old Nathan down to hold the horse by the bridle since the horse kept startling at things like coughing, sneezing and clapping. I did not enjoy sending my 10 year old down next to Godzilla horse. Nathan is big, but as soon as he stepped off the carriage and down next to the horse, all I could see was horse trampling Nathan. But I had to choose - ruin the wedding day, or possibly kill my Amish boy son.

The worst part was when young samarai Sam, the wedding guy, showed me the path I had to take with the carriage, and I noticed that the path seemed to be a bike path, perhaps a path you might traipse on in ballet shoes, and here I was supposed to drive my carriage the size of a tractor trailer through here. We had to take the bride on the path around the grassy garden and then stop at the end of a flower-strewn aisle for her to get out and go meet her new husband to be. I must learn the art of saying No.

We load up the bride, and Nathan and I hear the wedding music and we head down the path. I am not used to this horse, and he is already pulling off in one direction and I am MANHANDLING him, and still he is strong. The carriage wheels keep going off the path and I try to avoid breaking sprinkler heads and then finally we just sort of aim sideways and the horse gets stuck in the turn by the bushes, carriage stops, music is still playing. Everyone still watching. I am yanking horse to get him back on the path and he is having none of it. In fact, he's jackknifed himself and his huge lumpy butt is not moving. Will this be the wedding I break the carriage? The bride is still back there waiting to get married. Her name, by the way, was Jing Aling. No kidding, jingaling. Like, hello. I'm ringing.

Nathan looks at me and says "this is bad," and I don't know how I do it but I rip this horse so hard that he finally rights himself and heads the right way. I get off that path as soon as I can and blaze a trail on the grass. Forget the wedding planner dude, I am not getting stuck again. I deliver bride, Nathan jumps out and holds the horse's head (head alone is the size of my 60 pound Labrador). I am riddled with fear because this horse is not relaxed - he's 2200 pounds of not relaxed. And my kid is down there, and I'm holding the reins too and this is not my favorite time. Hurry up and get married already Chinese dudes.

Luckily it's the quickest wedding on earth, half an hour, Nathan and I are melting in our black suits, they take a zillion pictures so Nathan has to stay down there since every time someone claps, the horse things it means GO and he lurches forward. I just want to get out of there. Then they're done and Nathan climbs up and the dude hands up Chinese envelopes with "tips" in them. Nathan wants to open it right away, I tell him wait, it looks bad. (Admire him, though, why do adults have to wait all the time?)

We drive out of there and Nathan wants to get his itchy pants off first, then he comes running up and says hey we got two bucks! Each! Now this is funny, because the carriage rents for like 800 dollars. Usually the tip is 50 bucks, 100 bucks or more. So when he says 2 bucks I just start laughing. Then I realize he thinks 2 bucks is great. And wait a minute, he's right. 2 bucks is great. I tell him to keep the money.

We get the horse unharnessed and put away and I just miss Clyde, our old carriage horse. He would take a nap during the ceremony. He wasn't in a hurry to get somewhere else. I could relax. Maybe I can't relax anymore, and that's the part that freaked me out. As a mom, with the kids, I'm always Watching for Death. Staving off Death. It just raised the stakes a little bit but putting Kid down on ground with Gorilla Monster horse. It's like swimming, dolphin dolphin, high tide, SHARK.

Anyway, I'm out of practice. And worst part, I had two cameras and was unable to take my hands off the reins for one minute to photograph that sweet little boy in the baggy pants and black hat, peering up at me from 2 ton horse's head. He is such a beautiful thing, that little Florida baby, almost 11 years old. I just don't want to be doing any of these extra jobs, these things that aren't baby related. It dulls my capacity, and adds all the bonus anxiety. And in reality, these jobs, they're all weak and pale in comparison to this Mom job - this Mom job is like seeing Ray Charles in concert. Your heart just explodes.

I have never gotten over the immenseness of it.

ps. Nathan's favorite part of the wedding - as soon as the bride was walking up the aisle, the horse takes a gigantic pee. Lasts like a MONTH, the entire wedding march will be drowned out by sound of horse releasing Mississippi flood of pee.

My favorite part - seeing it all through Nathan's eyes. The first job we worked together, and he's so innocent - ("We have to wait through the whole WEDDING?") - wearing my black hat, he's young, faithful and strong - he's still wide open to everything.