The other morning I woke up at 5 a.m. with this dream about my mom. You know, in that twilight of sleep/wake, where you think you have it all figured out, hooray, it was all going to be allright, or not, and there was no going back to sleep. So I watched the room get lighter and the fog outside on the treetop, and then I went to make lunches and breakfast and when I get up my body hurts because I run around so much during the day and sleep just shows me how tired I am, instead of erasing that tired.
I was sad about my mom because no one wants their mom to get old, but then I felt peace because life is a joke, you can't hang onto it, except when you're hanging upside down on a roller coaster, and they give you an actual BAR to hang on TO, and that's only for split seconds.
So in the dark I put the turkey bacon on to fry, and when you first put bacon on to grill, it sounds like applause. So then I automatically gave my Oscar speech in my head, and thought about all my parents, and my kids, and my husband, and the things worth applauding for in my actual real life.
There are moments of beauty and peace that are tumbling at me these days - Africa, the bacon, the bagels we eat on Sundays when we have nothing to do but wander, the horse outside who has only one speed: slow. I have gratitude, I cultivate it with a hoe and a spade, because it is fertile, man. Sprouts all this happiness.
