God Bless America

Went to a 4th of July party where a 6 year old actually came up to me while I was getting food and said "I'm cow milk intolerant." Oh my GOD. That means she's a goat milk or soy milk or some other milk kid. That means some mother is milking a goat in the backyard or wait, a kid that knows she's cow-milk intolerant has a mom with an expensive purse who did designer Mommy and Me classes and shops at upscale baby boutiques. Later I talked to the same kid's dad, who my friend Rebecca and I called "Robot Banker Dude," because first of all he was gay and second of all, he was full of sh*t. He said, in the hot tub, "Oh, no, we don't do sugar. No sugar at all. No white flour. We used to give them a croissant at the Farmer's Market, and they just be zinging off the walls." Now we give them our old phones to chew on, when they become out of date, like every week, I filled in for him. We were talking about what to feed for snacks, and he said, "Oh, hard boiled eggs are a great way to go, protein." I said, "Yes, especially if you enjoy farts." My friend Rebecca said, "Who doesn't enjoy farts??" Rebecca and I were the ones in the worn out bathing suits, clustered around the Robot Dad with the ripped stomach muscles and the clean shaven face, pretty in an actor way, who said the only reason we didn't have money was because we didn't just focus on getting money. He said "We are a Yes family. We only say Yes. There's no way everything can't come to you." Rebecca and I just stared at him, and later Barry said "The person who says that is the person who was born rich." I think I prefer my family, who doesn't have the expensive towels with our kids' names tastefully embroidered on them. I like that we have radical, salt-of-the-earth kids like Lilly, who said to me yesterday "I was just thinking of a bad word. Shit. Horseshit. I was drinking my water and thinking about it." Cow milk intolerant. Shoot, we'll eat the whole cow, and build a boat out of her ribs. We're thrifty. When we were leaving I said, "Hey I loved you on 'Will and Grace.'"