Dude. This is me.
At the library I checked out a book called "How to Raise Brave Children," not because of my kids, but because it was there on the shelf by the checkout, and because I'm scared of everything. My kids are already brave. My kids would jump off the roof into a pile of leaves. (Wait, maybe they're just stupid.) But me - maybe I'm just getting old, but I'm training a young horse right now, and every time I get up onto the horse, stomach in a knot. Everytime someone comes walking toward me at school with a friendly smile, momentary panic. There's this awkward section of me that KNOWS I've spent the last 12 years with kids JUST BARELY MAKING IT. Sliding into a dirt-filled homebase every night when they get into bed, JUST getting that home run. Everyone safe and sound. I think that's why I don't like sleepovers. Because one kid is out of the house, and I don't get that moment of Everything's Done. There's Nothing I Can Do. Sun's Done, so am I.
In the bravery book, it says to give your kid bravery dollars when they're getting over something they're anxious about, like scary dogs, or dark rooms. I'm thinking of making up like about a million dollars, maybe making a suit of them for myself. The only good thing is that everytime you get to the other side of anxiety, it's actually okay. I don't know why I can't LIVE on the other side, apparently I have to keep going through the door, like constantly. I'm an anxiety park hopper.
I think it's when you have 3 little people looking up at you so hopefully all the time, because you have so much power (they think) you can solve anything - that's alot of expectation. There's gonna be some failure there, and it might not be pretty. In fact, I might make a suit out of failure. I certainly have the material, you should see my garage. But the anxiety book says anxiety is just your body's way of arming you for battle. When you feel anxiety, you are actually safer than any other time, 'cause you're ready. At your alert-est. Some people call that - well, passion, I think.
