I woke up at 4 because my mom woke me up making a noise and you know when you wake up and you can see your dream so clearly and it was that purple dress my mom wore all willowy and me on a swing it was that famous picture of our family my dad took on a timer at a park I think it was Will Rogers State Park.
But in my dream I was much younger and in my dream I was like
Ohhhh thisss is when it happened
It was just a regular day when we were just a regular family with sulking and quarreling and my parents were about to break up but we didn't know it we didn't stay together that long I think the Beatles were together longer than we were
But my mom dying now is making me see that those 9 years (that I got) are important. Her certain fingers putting on my little white socks and soft shoes and my brothers both there
This was our tribe and when one of us is going from that core group where we were all so young and vulnerable, that's really sad and important because just because the tribe didn't last in the traditional way doesn't mean it isn't still burned into you
like One Direction for my aging college daughter
it happened and I'm still holding my lighter up or nowadays the light of your cell phone is waving on a sea of arms
I woke up in the night remembering being small Julie and thinking I write it because it's important and people should know
It's dark in here and I wish I was sleeping I debated with eyes closed not writing and hoping I remembered it all later in the real day where my real life happens not here in the nighttime cave with my mom's dog and too many Goldilocks beds and her restless over there
She wants you all to know that being a quiet and loving mom is enough
is a strong choice
Made a person
over here
writing in the dark
hating kindergarten
hating getting up
Arranging your young family for a picture in a park where mostly everyone is frowning and I am 9 and they are 5 and 11
in the middle of turmoil
My dad was aching to be done here
My mom was a child
That is all that life is and the whole thing is beautiful
One of our core little tribe on that grassy lawn is going, tiny bit by tiny bit each day and it doesn't matter to most people like all of India
except it matters to me
She pulled on my little socks
Maybe all of India does care
in a quiet universe
Every soul accounted for
It's so dark except for the light of my phone and the comfort of my mom murmuring
as John Lennon would say
Here comes the sun
The Beatles might not've stayed together but they wrote that one song.
