We are just a bubble of wonder. We are valiant. I see my mom who has no for sure-ness of what she's supposed to be doing, today she woke up and said
I want to do so many things
It doesn't matter if your body is broken. That force is still banging on the walls to get out.
She manages to keep it under control while I'm trying to teach those three hours in the morning. I never know if I'm supposed to put her in front of Little House on the Prairie or aim her by the window to see the pool and the chickens. I'm the dumb waiter, god's dumb waiter, trying to figure out the very best thing for something that is way bigger than me, I serve a greater universal genius than my own.
I'm just looking for peace and comfort for a very small person to most, who looms large in my life.
When she sleeps a whole night well, she is aware and awake during the day but this only confuses both of us. She doesn't know what to do. She has never asked for anything.
I just supply. No questions asked. My latest baby.
I think it is loss, my readers. I never went to Vegas, I didn't play sports, I'm not familiar with loss. The losing of someone. I do know how to live with the hole someone leaves. I've tried to stitch up those for years and it's sort of like sewing up the edges of a burnt marshmallow. Better to just get it all over your hands and eat it there's not going to be any solving of it. It's hot and sweet, might as well enjoy it.
How to enjoy losing and not thinking of losing as failure. Or being afraid that losing makes you empty inside.
Loss of mother is a fear from the minute you realize you HAVE a mother, maybe at 3 months old. Some primitive shit.
I don't have anything poetic to say today. Having a dog crawl in bed with you at night is like a big hairy kiss. Having someone make tuna salad once a week because you're hungry but you didn't know it. The person who invented fuzzy socks. Ease loss
I have to stare into the hole for awhile and not be afraid or think that I will fall in too if I'm not there already. This is just one way to go, and I get to be the shepherd. Just amble along with my sheep and guide this way and that and mostly try not to miss the light on dewy grass or the chance to talk about stuff or the way the earth feels all wrapped around us all.
