I guess I don't know what to say.
I had this beautiful day at the beach because my neighbor could watch my mom, and they in turn could be watched by B, who was home in his office.
So I paid 80 dollars and she endured my mom who was a novelty to her, and she also made mac and cheese like some kind of superpowered british nanny and I came home from a few hours off with the kids and the dogs and the water and the sun and sand and I felt new.
And there was my mom all slumped over still in her hell and I felt you aren't new and what if you made it worse. What if she forgets you.
I put her to bed and the next day I was filled to the brink with pain. Bess wanted to get a haircut and I ranted not even sounding like myself, sounding like some insane anti-hair zealot stranger because how can you be 14 and want a haircut why do you have to change everything don't you understand
you are perfect
I ended up crying and talking about when I was 14 and now I realize days later that
I am in alot of pain
I didn't want to go riding with my trail buddy back from helicopter land where he works
he texted me what's wrong
I didn't want to do anything because my mom is disappearing and even the beach can't cure it and I've spent a year now, exactly, tomorrow, stumbling into Maryland and dementia and a year trying to fucking cure it and get my mom back. I'm sure it's just around the corner, she'll be there acting normal and this will all be some big mistake
The aftermath of the beach was bad, what do they call that, blowback. I think it's a fireman's term maybe where you fight off the fire and then turn around and it blows back and fries your ass
There's no escaping the tragedy of this way my mom is going, there's no ending that is going to make me feel satisfied and not angry for her and this way the brain is circling the drain and no way to plug it up. I can't fluff her up and make her be my mom again
Lilly's haircut looks good
