I was reading a horse blogger (just like all of you do) and she was writing about what she learned in 2022, how she had been maybe holding her horse back. She had gone to a horse shaman. I'd say that in itself is indication of maybe too much but then I thought wait, why am I spending so much time and money on horses and mucking and keeping a happy barn? Riding is good, but the shape of the horse and the quiet curious energy of the horse is indeed a shaman like experience. Horses have smoothed me.
But I could go forever like that girl did in her blog, and maybe I'll put that crap on my horse blog but what did I learn in 2022? What have you learned? Dear reader. I'd like to know too.
I learned that I can travel with a big group of my favorite people (except for one, kidding) in blasting heat and survive every bit of it. Even enjoy the memories that are now part of our lore.
I learned that dementia is not going away and when it does go away my mom goes away with it. I learned to not walk away from that reality, but still get her up every day, wipe her clean, kiss her cheeks and watch a lot of comedy, as much as we can cram in. I learned that humans, even when we have serious brain problems, worship the sun, and the dogs, and think chickens are funny. I learned how to listen to someone without language, and not be mad that I couldn't hear the regular words as signposts to guide me, I had to stop expecting clarity and words and realize the person only had left her eyes, and the softening of her face with eye contact, and contented mmm sounds to know I was doing the right things. I had to learn primitive signs, and know I was getting to the right place, whatever she needed. I had to be quieter and feel more, and I'm already a feeler so when she went to bed I would feel wiped out and like old linoleum in a haunted house. I am learning that I am also not my mom, I am her helper. I'm not dying of dementia yet. So I can get out of the way and hold myself up too, while still being there for her 100%. This is a tricky maneuver.
I learned I love rain and the change in weather after so dry a year. I learned to maybe stop blocking people out and let some in sometimes. Still working on that one. People are so messy though. It's hard to let people in what if they mess up what you have carefully arranged just to keep going.
I learned from traveling with the kids to find wonder, energy, happiness and candy whenever you can. I worship the group I am a part of.
I learned I need so much therapy. I miss talking about stuff when everyone wasn't so stressed from Covid nightmare still in our back mindpocket. I miss when things were easier.
I learned my brothers showed up for me, to help when they could. That was pretty remarkable.
Since my life has slowed down to just caring for a terminally ill person, I learned that sitting in your house where you haven't moved out ever in 20 years raising the kids in one spot, which is not how I lived as a kid, it accumulates so much junk. I got to move every few years as a teen and we threw out all the excess junk. Here, the junk remains and flourishes. So there is alot to dejunk. Maybe that is what I get to tackle in 2023. A new emptier life.
If the word empty didn't look so empty. I'd like to think about emptier meaning open for new possibilities. Not throwing away the stuff that makes us all happy, just throwing away everything else.
I wish my mom was better. That lays in my heart like hot boulders. I wish this never happened. I also wish I never broke my finger knuckle. The bone is okay, it's the knuckle makes that finger stiff now. If I didn't break that finger though I would never have made 47 Christmas stockings. Also I would never have kicked that horse boarder out which has been really freeing and less work. So some broken things cause good. Why can't things happen WITHOUT breaking things.
I wish for peace for all of us, and rebounding from covid isolation dark cloud remnants. I hope for Emma back from London safe and back right here in our arms. I hate having her far, I feel inept and unable to be a momwarrior. My spears don't throw that far. So have fun but hurry up. Moms have unspoken constant worry. It is a layer applied directly after birth and apparently does not rub off.
For my mom I just want peace and security.
I don't think I learned anything, I learned.
I love all of you. If I never say it enough it's because I'm limp inside at the moment. I love all of you for listening.
