Mud makes me want to throw everyone away.
When the dog comes out at midnight and stands in the mud while I'm mucking horse crap I am looking down at her with no witnesses except the silent dumb horses and I'm saying
I seriously hate you
I hate you
Because now I have to finish mucking and then collar you motherfuckering dog and take you to the pool and put your feet in and then walk you around so you dry and don't get my bed wet and it is MIDNIGHT motherfucker my patience runs out at 10, 10:45
And while I'm mucking around a corner I hear the pony pulling on something
Because he likes to explore every FUCKING thing with his teeth
at midnight
And I go around the corner which entails sucking muddy boots out of calf deep mud every step for my legs SQUEEERCK SHWEEENCH SUUUUUCKSLUSH it's HEAVY it's like dragging Orson Welles' wet bloated corpse on a fat bulky rope
and there's Meriwether the pony who (because it's wet everywhere and he's standing in the one dry area and he's bored) has discovered the water line that snakes up the wall and isn't attached very strongly, and if he pulls hard enough which he will, the pipe will break and then it will be midnight in mud with a busted spewing water pipe
and the water will have to be shut off all night and I will be even MADDER THAN I ALREADY AM
So I first say to the little white headed motherfucker as I push his face I HATE YOU GODDAMN PIECE OF SHIT IT'S MIDNIGHT AND I WAS TRYING TO GO TO BED EARLY
and then I look at the dog knee deep in mud looking up at me like how can I help
and I think this is where they will find me, all I have to do is trip and fall flat and suffocate in black mud that smells like an ancient egyptian plague
I have to take TEN orson welles steps which feels like four hundred back into the barn doors to get the baby shampoo that I then have to slush back into the pony area to squirt it all over those pipes because he doesn't like to eat baby shampoo
then I finish mucking, return the shampoo, curse all the animals, my nighttime muddy curse I hope you all die
then I get back toward the house where there's no mud, try and take off my boots and hope my pajamas haven't had splashed mud on them, get my regular shoes, grab the fucking dog and police escort her to the pool to rinse her feet, dry her feet, get back to mom's room where I sleep, get my shoes off, get into bed, it's 12:24 I lie there
in the mostly dark
I hear what I know is not sleep
that baby shampoo isn't going to work
I lie there
cursing my life
what can I do I don't want a broken pipe but I have nothing
I get up. Get back to my boots. The cleanish dog looks at me from the bed
DO NOT GET UP MOTHERFUCKER I tell her I WILL GIVE YOU AWAY TO PEOPLE WHO WILL EAT YOU
I go out to the barn again. I am looking around for cinderblocks
I see half of one which weighs about as much as a waterlogged midget wrestler in full battlegear
I heft it up. I find another
I hear the dog come out of the doggy door
I see her black face that doesn't look labby enough so it irritates me
NO I say
She pauses
I take the cinderblocks through the Grand Canal of Sopping Filth to the water pipe area
I stack up as many heavy cement things as I can to block curious pony lips and teeth. I block it halfway up to about boob height. It seems sort of secure, 69 and a half percent, maybe 73.
I squish iodine and baby shampoo all over it. Thinking now he'll be orange from iodine but hopefully it tastes bad
why do I have these horses
I curse myself
As I slog my sodden legs back shut the barn and walk back with the dog again, who doesn't know any better and is a service animal doing her job I guess
I don't hate the dogs and horses I remember as I walk in the dark and the tired
I hate the mud
The mud makes me feel like I'm incapable of regular tasks that I'm good at and that don't bother me
The mud makes extra work. I realize I have a work limit and I am slamming against it, and it's really late
The mom in me smooths my hair down and swats my bottom and says you're clean inside your boots get your clean barefeet out of your gross boots in to bed
you're done for the day
I'm back in bed
No broken pipe. It's really late
I've done all I can I've done more than I could. It might not be enough but I'm tired
The dog has clean enough feet washed again
My mom is asleep the kids are asleep
The mud is temporary and remember? One last thing
the rain washed everything
The rain was beautiful
