I'd like to go through my body and you can click yes and subscribe to all the things that also are hurting on you. I told my friend Chris yesterday that when I ride my elbows are actually on fire, like the elbow joint could burst into flames at any time which is why I now carry a small fire extinguisher. I'd like to blame it on rolling my mom over in bed everyday but it could also be the thousand pound horse on a lead rope that likes to stop suddenly on a hill, wrenching my arm back, or maybe the million pound horse shit buckets I heft into the trash every few hours. My elbows have started a craigslist ad looking for a new body with a less ambitious arm owner so if you see it DO NOT RESPOND, I need the elbows they're all I got bending in that area.
Then my plantar faciitis in my feet which sounds alot fancier that it is it's really just fucking sore feet. Arches. My golden arches are shot, Achilles got nothing on me, or was it Hermes, or Apollo, whoever greek or roman who does feet maybe Nike but Nike got a deal he sold out, Nike's doing ok now while I hobble from place to place. I had it in only one foot for like a year and now it's moved over to the other foot so I misuse my feet sure, but I also strap them up and stretch them so they can just shut the fuck up and let me walk I gotta get around man with no complaints from down below.
At least it's hotting up enough outside to swim again so I can lose the 40 million pounds I gained by eating only good n plenties for two months after Christmas. It is nice to be able to bend over to pick something off the floor without the internal fatpack strapped onto my waist in the way. I am swimming, riding and dogwalking and then hula hooping during commercials of laker games that the boys always have on, and hula hooping is fun way to trick yourself into doing ab work. Also my vet who came to give the horses' shots is 78, and he said the way he stays in shape is mostly Diet Coke and butterfingers so I have hope. Also his name is Dr Dick, which Kurt says was his nickname in elementary school.
Speaking of observing pain, let's cut to how mom got kicked out of hospice for not dying fast enough (ok it has been almost 5 years), and so she's on Home Health which is basically the same and they'll put her back on hospice when she starts dying with a passion. But switching to Home Health means a whole other team of people who come in to evaluate and they actually sent a physical therapy person and I was like wait
ok, you can send a pt person, but this patient has end stage alzheimer's. She is not in training for the luge. She can use her left hand and her head, but basically the rest is just the stand for holding up those two things. The pt lady has to get paid and it's free for me so I'm like, ok sure.
So the pt lady stands in front of my mom and yells BONNIE CAN YOU PUSH AGAINST MY HAND while holding her foot and my mom is looking at her like if I could push against your hand I wouldn't be in this fucking wheelchair
Also why is she yelling it doesn't get my mom to look any faster
The good thing was that my mom had someone touching her and moving parts around which had to feel better than just sitting there not getting touched or moved around or sorted out. And mom did enjoy it. So we had four sessions of this inane prepping her limbs for easier death and then they discharged her as I knew they would because they were like
whatthefuck are we doing
which was the medical diagnosis on the chart
And now my mom is just doing her regular left arm work feeding cheerios to her waiting face, which I am really grateful she is still able to do. So I can needlepoint nearby and just refill the tray with fun foods. I can't give her a cup tho which sucks so I am still in charge of holding the water.
Then my friend Chris calls and says her parents are going mad, her dad is starting to forget things and not be able to speak and her mom throws water on him in the middle of the night and tries to break his door down with a hammer
so yeah I'm good with dementia, I'm happy to take my five years here with my mom who smiles and gives me a kiss and pats my hand. It's only hard if I want to go anywhere for longer than 2 hours.
The best thing ever was last night Bess said she and Rayleen were gonna go look for prom dresses and her mom was gonna spend like 300 bucks and Bess said she didn't wanna do that she was just gonna look at thrift stores and I said you could wear mine and she said what color, and I said blue she said oh I was gonna get blue
So we went to my closet and in the back was my prom dress, a simple sort of grecian blue off one shoulder number and she tried it on and that was so sweet, this dress which got worn for about four hours 41 years ago (?!) is now taken out for its second spin on this little person who never even existed back then and now fills in the dress. She looks at it carefully on her, and she tucks it a bit higher up so the waist fits more empire like and instead of saying ohmygodno she says
I think I like it
This little person who has not liked one thing from me except chicken strips since she was 12 and now she's going to the prom at almost 18 years old and she can wear this dress if she wants and take it on some new adventure in her own way and that
made me not sore anywhere, at all
