I have to stop watching tv because I start thinking that everything happening there is happening to me. Like I don't have cancer. So far. I'm not Emily Dickinson. I didn't kill my roommate in Italy while I was doing my study abroad.
I'm very susceptible these days. I'm a vulnerable husk. If anyone even looks at me wrong I'm like it's me isn't it. I failed you.
Maybe because Bess is about to go off to college and where is the stage I walk across to get my certificate of achievement. I know the paper it's printed on is recycled and the teachers handing it out are very old and faking being enthusiastic. They've done a million awards shows, shaking the hands of the victors.
I think the problem is we all want the award but when you do the actual work to get the award, once you're there shaking the hand you're looking around like this is what I was dreaming about? That's not even a real red carpet
There's no award that can whipped cream and cherry the top of a hard earned life. And the whipped cream is the most fun part. But wait a second folks are you kidding me that the best part about the hard earned life is the HARD PART ?
waiiiiiit I was always trying to get THROUGH the hard part to scratch my way toward the ice cream at the end. The ICE CREAM tastes the best. The wanting the ice cream and the stopping to eat it is maybe the best. With your friends.
It's been a weird week because B is in Germany with his brother, two jews getting AWARDS in Germany some things have changed since 1942 am I right ladies
So he's not here to make sense of this bewilderment I'm having by sleeping in the big house where he usually sleeps after I changed all the sheets to make them more ladylike fresh and I'm alone in the tumbling week counting down to when we're dumping our last kid project at her school by the beach and we come back empty handed like the way we started but worse because now we know better
Our house is destroyed by love of 25 years of kids, strewn wreckage of old toys and jungle gyms in the living room, floury christmas cookie dough cutting, and all the times we had to wrangle together through our one door to the car to go somewhere
what now frederick
Maybe the german award will come with what now instructions. Maybe I build a dais and walk across myself putting the tassel from one side to the other except I don't really want to graduate I was mid bask
even really great meals at Phillipe's end eventually. I guess.
I feel like you wake up from your motherhood dream and which then becomes fullblown career and then like any other production you fall over at the end and get sick for a week because you were holding on to get through the 18 hour day shoots, and in this case 24 hour day on calls. What do you then do with your really good skills of criticizing people for not doing things your way and knowing that she better take a sweater and where's your water bottle and do you have money
I liked dispatching humans. I didn't like cooking except for pancakes. I felt bereft on a raft some of the time. Especially with teenagers. Where did the loving creatures go. But then I see that they were stretching their arms in their bubble, trying to make it bigger. I had to wait for them to remember I was here too still. Waiting. Remind myself I'm not just waiting there I'm growing people, and growing me. Growing takes a long time and it's mostly silent. Look at grass.
I was busy showing up every day. That's what I was doing.
The Mom Awards Show would just be every mom standing there holding all the bags and waters and papers and snacks, saying I'll be right here
