I see the horses over there from far away, shadows in the christmas lights. It's been three whole days I've been back on full time barn duty without Leo Mucker helping me in the mornings. I'm glad to have my barn back. I can't ride yet, I have two more weeks and one more doc appointment and then I can leave all this in the dust.
It is weird though to see your life from a distance and to slam on the brakes. All the fun whistles out like a flat tire and it's just you flat on the pavement watching a glitching tv with your mom looking dementia scared over there and your foot up high on the couch back. The garage still paused at barely cleaned out. The pool waiting with dead leaves at the bottom. Your life at half mast.
A lady came to thanksgiving that was the girlfriend of someone and I didn't talk to her but later found out she just retired and started doing crazy shit she'd always wanted to do. Jumping out of planes. Pottery. Fencing.
Dude.
Inspiring. I didn't even KNOW we could make up new fun stuff to do. I feel like I'm still stuck on the homework of life and looking around to see if anyone sees me cheating. I was just rushing around to ride as much as I could and now I spend all my time adrift on the couch and then complaining about how B won't laugh at my jokes as soon as he enters the room. No wonder he stays in the other room with the foot heater on full blast. He says his feet are cold. I told him to take a walk every day. I should cut an album of all the stuff I tell him would improve his life and then wrap it up and then throw it into a dumpster where it could shatter. That would be satisfying.
Evie brought her friend from Bowdough who is tall and looks like my dead friend Dirk before he was dead. He's a smart math guy and he brought some weird shredded carrot thing to thanksgiving. He hardly ate anything at thanksgiving because he shredded five pounds of carrots but you can't shred the middle because it's too wet so he just ate the middles of five pounds of carrots and that can fill a guy up.
And Bess hugged us for no reason, several times. College has origamied up her affection skills, she is unfolding all over. She wanted to go to the galleria to see some special Billie Eilish pop up store selling perfume a few hours before her train back to SB and Nattan said I'll take you. He took her, he waited in line, he bought them hot pretzels and then he bought her the perfume. This is the brother to have, my friend.
Then there's the residual bank fraud and the circling the drain Nandy calling to have someone buy her some weed. Christmas coming and not ready at all, there's still a pumpkin on the porch from Halloween. I gotta carve that maybe I'll carve a Christmas tree but wait there's other stuff to do now maybe I should make a gingerbread house out of jackolanterns.
My niece Aela, tiny and birth assister doctor, came and loaded me into the golf cart with her driving which we had never done taking two horses at a time ponied off the back which we had never done to get them exercise. I'm glad there's a big back of the golf cart cause there was plenty of room for the large amount of fear I downloaded cause leading giant horses with only one good leg on my body to use and not being sure how they respond - I'm not really good with being incapacitated. If there was going to be a tea brand with my face on it it would not be called "Incapacitated and At Her Best."
I look forward to being whole and then slightly lopsided in the onboard the horse confidence department. That's what sucks about falling it makes your brain stupid for a few years predicting horror. I'm going to try and pretend that I'm strong but really I'm just a girl with no other hobbies.
I do like to listen to words and play with words here on the page. Words are little presents that cheer me because they always dutifully line up like frolicking soldiers wherever I put them. I sent my Lewis and Clark words to a writing contest, I hope I get to share some gay history with a greater group. Widening the gay.
I like an impossible love story.
