I'm in a place I don't understand. I must never have been here before. I don't think I remember myself without kids. I do remember myself though, I was just an untethered child running free and playing with whoever said yes. I wasn't serious. I was just living.
Now after these 25 years of tethered, solid, living for others, family, I am once again here. Untethered.
But now my back hurts and I work very hard physically to maintain a body I before just got for free. I am a little bitter about that. I spend half my morning exercising just to stay slightly too fat.
Untethered. Well now things are much graver, I suppose. Because I'm closer to the grave. I got a letter from SS (not THE SS) saying I could retire in 7 years. Retire from what? Oh I guess I did make money in my 20's and subbing in my 50's. There is a huge gap in my 30's-40's where I did my best work, but it's reflected in the beauty of my children smiling and not in the social security payment column. It's too stunning to fit there, there should just be a glow.
I know what I'm worth. I know my writing is funny and true, mostly true. When I can. I know I've helped my mom in her sickness years as her approaching death coach. She said not to be afraid of death. So I just take her hand and we wait. And eat ice cream usually at around 4. Come over by the way.
I think all my life is open doors and I'm knocking but nobody is really answering. So I think I haven't sat and thought about it enough to approach the right door. I have been watching alot of Let's Make a Deal. Door #1 Door #2 Door #3. The agony of the lady dressed like a cow trying to decide where is her winner. Maybe I am scrutinizing what is the best door, where is the Deal of the Day. I definitely don't want a new washer dryer or any of those stupid prizes. I don't want to be singing on tour like Billie Eilish. I want to have quiet mornings where everything is still possible. I want to plod along on the trail until all my thoughts dribble away and I can hear the birds again. I want to be a passenger buckled up on earth, looking for my next adventure. I've had so many good adventures so far.
I want to like myself. Most of all. She's been waiting for me to notice.
