Captain My Captain
EXT PIRATE SHIP - NIGHT
(Storm at sea. Pirates scurry around in the waves, wind and rain.)
SCULLY Oh shit!
FRANK Batten down the hatches!
CHARITY I never know what that means
FRANK Me either dammit let's just shut everything
SCULLY Where's the captain?
KURT The captain is never here
DOUBLE D She's in the bathtub
FRANK We're ALL in the bathtub!
KURT Pretty soon the world is going to be a bathtub
DOUBLE D I don't know how to swim
KURT WHAT
DOUBLE D Seriously.
KURT WHAT
DOUBLE D My parents thought it would make drowning easier then all the struggling beforehand you know to stay afloat
SCULLY That's actually a thing I've heard that
KURT No shit
SCULLY It's like a parent thing it's kinda popular right now
KURT Since when have you been a parent didn't you sell your baby to like a vagrant
SCULLY He gets to travel
KURT Yeah so do we and look woo hoo
SCULLY What it's great!
(Scully stands up and is washed overboard. Kurt leaps to grab him but Double D grabs Kurt before he's washed over. )
DOUBLE D If you weighed like an ounce more I woulda had to let you go
KURT Oh man!
DOUBLE D I can't swim
KURT I saw the ocean she is a raging beast
DOUBLE D You should see the captain in the bath
FRANK Can we get back to it
KURT Oh yeah yeah
(They scurry to go get the sails)
KURT Are we putting UP sails orrr
FRANK We're pulling them down down (pausing) I mean I think
DOUBLE D Right?
(A wave DUMPS on them washing them all to the corner of the ship. Four pirates leap out of the way grabbing up some cards.)
EVE Shit!
BECKY Almost lost them
KURT Glurrg
(Double D is reviving him, wiping his face off, yelling at the other pirates)
DOUBLE D You guys there is a RAGING
EVE wait wait wait the oracle
KURT Glurrg spuffff
(Double D looks at the little circle and the lantern held by one of the smaller pirates where they're huddled under a canvas tarp.)
DOUBLE D What the fuck!
KURT (sputtering) There's a STORM
BECKY I KNOW Kurt just shut the fuck up, Eve has the oracle deck
(They stare at her)
BECKY (continuing) We were doing it before the storm look lookit my card
KURT Wha
DOUBLE D Look at your fricking card?
BECKY I just wanna see where we end up
KURT I can tell you! (Gesturing overboard) Did you see Scully? From five minutes ago??
BECKY It's the future. Eve says.
KURT Eve! I thought your name was Steve!
EVE Well it's not always the future, sometimes it predicts how you're feeling like if you're struggling with something just right now
(Kurt grabs Eve by the throat and pulls a knife)
KURT Is there a card for this??
(Eve's cards all scatter and they scurry to pick them up)
DOUBLE D Wait wait wait look at this card
BECKY Right?
DOUBLE D It's the hangman
(A wave whooshes over them, sliding them all to the rail on their asses. They stay together in their clumped circle. Kurt grabs the card.)
EVE Hangman doesn't always mean death. It could be just like a pause or a time to stop and reflect.
FRANK Well I was reflecting and I just think if we put some of these sails up or down we might not die but I'm no sailor
KURT Why are you here then
FRANK Do you see the jobs at home?
BECKY Yeah bro he speaks the truth
FRANK Like I could pull the legs off pigs. I did that for a day
BECKY My choice was marry this guy (She pulls out a sketch. Kurt grabs it.)
FRANK Hey nice sketch
BECKY Really? It looks just like him. We did it when we were starving below decks and Charity caught a rat which she DIDN'T SHARE
CHARITY I drew the SKETCH!
BECKY With greasy fingers
KURT Wait you're a CHICK
(The boat lists again)
EVE I think we're gonna die here
KURT Is that in the cards??
CHARITY The captain is nuts
DOUBLE D My mom is the captain.
KURT And she didn't teach you how to SWIM?? (looking at Becky) Wait YOU'RE a CHICK??
(The pirates that are girls take off their wraps to show hair or girliness.)
KURT (continuing) Wha- you're all girls??
FRANK I'm Frank. I woulda been way nicer, especially to you (motions at Double D's boobs)
DOUBLE D My name is Double D. Why didn't you THINK
KURT I don't know I thought that was for Double Daring or
DOUBLE D You shoulda seen my mom before she was a pirate she was just a rager. That's why she named her pub that.
KURT Wait that was a CHICK pub?
BECKY Oh you met at The Rager? Yeah my name's not Robert it's Becky
FRANK The problem is there's no good captain here.
DOUBLE D Well she's good when there's no storm
KURT No she's the SAME when there's no storm, there just happens to be no looming death so you don't notice it
DOUBLE D No she's better she made us sundaes that time
KURT That's not a leader that's just ICE CREAM
(Becky holds the deck up and Eve closes her eyes to pick a random one.)
BECKY I just want to know the future. It's been so accurate
KURT Did it predict this storm
BECKY There are always storms. We're at SEA
KURT This is why girls shouldn't be pirates. Because you're always doing something -
BECKY - more interesting?
KURT -- Not related to living through the NIGHT
BECKY This is our first big storm KURT
KURT This is not our first big storm! This is just tonight's big storm!
BECKY I don't like being a pirate!
KURT No one likes being a pirate!
DOUBLE D I kinda like being a pirate
FRANK I totally love it too!
KURT There's no LAND to HO. I don't get to say that like maybe never again. There is only watery death. There is no person coming up those stairs from below decks with like capes of fur on and pointing and shouting out orders and saving the day. (a wave hits him; chokes) The water is fucking cold!
FRANK You're not gonna die from the cold water
CHARITY It's the mixmaster thing that will just suck you right down. Plus there's nothing to hold on to.
FRANK Well the ship might break apart. If you're not stabbed through the center by a masthead - you know
DOUBLE D - then you could totally grab on to it yeah
KURT Why is she in the tub
(He stands up huge)
KURT (continuing) I'm GONNA GO TALK TO THE CAPTAIN
(Eve stands up all the cards falling)
EVE That's not gonna do any good
KURT What card is that on
DOUBLE D She hates being bothered in the bath
KURT She has a duty to us
EVE She's all done with all her duties
CHARITY It's true I cleaned out her chamber pot no more dooties
BECKY Shut up Charity
CHARITY (aside) That rat wasn't even that big I don't know why you're still mad
BECKY I've been eating WOOD SHAVINGS soaked in PEE
(A wave crashes over, Kurt grabs a pole)
KURT We're all going to die here
EVE She's not god. She can't stop a storm
KURT Well she can't hide
CHARITY I think she's just relaxing
KURT She signed on as captain. She's like the MOM
BECKY Oh my god are you an orphan
KURT We're about to LAYER the sea with our bodies. We aren't going to soak up enough water to beach our boat. We're going to be tossed and there's going to be nothing. We have nothing left and we leave nothing there's just the sea.
BECKY Wait I'm gonna sketch that quick (paper in her pocket all soggy) Fuck everything is wet. I'm going to mind sketch it (closing eyes in rain)
KURT What the FUCK BECKY
BECKY What you said was beautiful
EVE We're not actually on a ship
KURT Yes we are
EVE No. We are just in a storm
KURT We are on a fucking ship. I have a bunk. It was hard and wooden. (confused, crying) Or I HAD ONE
BECKY She's right
EVE It's in the cards
KURT I just needed the WORK (angry) I wasn't looking for more than a fucking decent night's sleep some good way to get my hands busy some meaningful - meaningful LIFE each day -- that I could make a DIFFERENCE
(He's taking her cards and ripping them, throwing the into the wind where some get swept overboard)
EVE That's not gonna change anything.
CHARITY Plus it's like littering (thinks) If you put sparkles on things you throw overboard is that like glittering?
KURT I made the right choice. I took the job.
EVE There's no one in charge.
KURT Clearly
EVE Or worse, you're in charge
KURT Why can't the captain be in charge
CHARITY Well we told you she's in the bathtub
KURT When she gets OUT
CHARITY Well she'll be clean then
BECKY Plus there probably won't be a storm
KURT I need to talk to someone with a penis
FRANK It hasn't helped for me we're still in the same place bro
EVE The storm is happening whether or not we try and control the weather
KURT But it is a FACT that you DON'T DO NOTHING. You can STEER OUT OF A STORM
(They stand there in the storm.)
KURT (continuing) WHY IS NO ONE MOVING
EVE Do you know what ship you're on
KURT Yeah the Demon ship
CHARITY Apparently
FRANK It's nefarious
KURT It was the only one at the harbor and I had to get outta town I wanted to DO SOMETHING
BECKY You picked a lucky card my friend
KURT It was the ship that needed help. I'm a helper. Look at these arms.
DOUBLE D I have been.
FRANK Me too
KURT I'm on an actual SHIP
EVE The storm will never end
KURT All storms end
EVE You will not be the same and there will not be a captain
KURT There's no captain NOW so
EVE But it will feel worse. Because you knew the captain. And then she retired.
KURT To her bath
BECKY But she did give us those sundaes. Remember that day. We all decorated the ship for Gangrene Day.
CHARITY Everything had to be green
DOUBLE D Or swollen
CHARITY I loved that day. We had food that day.
BECKY Wasn't it good Kurt
KURT Yeah yeah it was great
EVE I mean when you met her wasn't she a nice captain
KURT Yeah sure she was -- alive
EVE See
KURT She could form sentences
DOUBLE D She cared.
EVE She commanded a strong ship and everything was possible.
(Kurt is getting water all in his face)
KURT I don't know what to do here.
(The wind is whipping all around them.)
KURT (continuing) There's a light down there in her cabin. It's probably really nice down there.
(Frank and Double D are gathering up some of the cards on the deck. Becky flaps up the tarp so there there's more room underneath. Eve sits back under the tarp and pulls some dryish cards out of her pocket.)
BECKY Come on out of the rain.
(Frank makes a spot for him under the tarp.)
FRANK Come bring your arms in here.
(Kurt looks helpless.)
EVE Come pick a card.
(The storm lifts the ship, hurling it. The front of the ship's nameboard tears off, shooting into the sky, reading SS Dementia.)
