I'm seeing a therapist cause I got one for Bess and it's free so might as well sign up, hell, I can use a helper but wait I don't even want to talk to her she's so young how can she know anything I barely know anything and maybe I don't wanna fix anything I am seriously tired but maybe she is just there to listen and help me figure out what I don't want to fix.
Maybe it feels terrible to have to talk to her because I'm working so hard on everything else and everything seems so tenuous and do I have any real friends and what happened to my life but then the routine of my life is so leisurely (on the flip side of the dementia anxiety), and there was sun out today so I can have tea in the morning and watch the morning dwindle away while learning french and playing word games and then I can go outside and take care of the horses and get my mom up and then I STOP everything to watch the Love Boat even though it's not good it's just the hairstyles made more sense then and the writing was so lame and damn I would KILL now to write a lame love boat because how fun would that be, to be in that writer's room where the bar is set so low it's like a lump under the carpet that you trip over
How relaxing would that be, to be stressing about your love boat dialogue and how many women can Gopher get with on this show seriously he is not that cute but they give him alot of romantic storylines and I just like being 13 again and it's Friday night in Maryland and I'm watching the Love Boat with my 9 year old brother and eating cottage cheese in an inflatable boat that we pumped up in the living room because when your mom gets divorced you get to do stuff like that, and we watched the show in the brand new rubber boat and I'm telling you it was satisfying, and so comfortable.
Maybe Friday night was Dukes of Hazzard. I can't remember.
Anyway. It mighta been Saturday. Either way. Chris would know.
I guess what I'm saying is I love my life, I love every second of my life, all the things broken and the dirty pool with leaves in it that I haven't gotten to and the garage heaving full like a fat woman and the plants sprouting that I grew from seeds in my Christmas stocking and all the horseshit I shovel because the rides I take calm my heart down and the sound of the horses reminds me to slow down and stop looking ahead
it seems like life is this measured battle between stopping the madness and seeing the beauty for a few minutes and then going in again and shoveling through the muck and then coming out to see the beauty again. Is anyone else on this lopsided boat being tossed around? Is there any way to even it out where's the place with the calm seas all the time maybe in the gulf of steve martin, I like that gulf
The shrink says we don't have to fix anything. We wait for whatever wants to come, to come, and we see what we want to talk about. Maybe we talk about nothing. That sounds good.
So far I talk about my kids because I have been doing this job for a long long time and there is a vast lake of pride in that occupation I have hazarded. I'm so lucky I got to have three chances to follow tiny people in pink rainboots. I'm still following them because they are still so interesting.
I'm so lucky all my family is here, still eating sandwiches together when we can stomach driving in this endless city. I'm so glad for the city that has kept us safe. The stupid old cars that have protected our lives.
I'm grateful for all our fingers and smile lines and friday nights where we have nothing to do. Imagine a day without having to worry about anything. I would like to aim for that with little Meg the therapist. Put that on the agenda.
Thanks for all our people, and horses, and dogs, and trees, and water. Love Boat is real, I'm here in it.
