If you ever think you're doing a pretty good job with dementia, it's good to add a second dementia patient to your roster and then stand back and look at what you've done.
B had to take the kids to Vegas to see Bess's final basketball tournament and I wanted to go but I had my mom and B said also Vegas sucks, but still it's Bess. The Caboose. The last one. But then also B had to fire Nandy's helper so there was no one for Nandy. Nandy is able to mostly function after trying to die about five months ago like the serious way, like stopping your heart and lying there heartless. They revived her several times and jammed an air tube down her throat breaking a tooth off which is still missing, so she's alive now and when she talks you just look at that little black space because there should be a little white soldier there but he's a fallen man.
Anyway Bruce could have come to watch his mom but he was balking at the drive and he's too "busy being gay" up in the north so finally I said bro pay me the helpermoney and I'll watch your damn mom.
Now let me say when he sent me the money I momentarily felt sick because I was hoping he would say no way man I can't do that to you I'll come down but then I remembered boys are stupid except for Nathan. and Brandon and Dima and my dad and B. Oh and Patrick. And Nathan's other friends. Okay so maybe just Bruce is stupid
The point is I took on the job when I already felt buried in dementia at the bottom of a hole with a broken shovel and I look up and the sun is going out because there's a solar eclipse. (A soul er eclipse) But I see the silhouette of B flailing and somebody's got to do something man
So Vegas day yesterday they're all packing and Nathan warming up his fancy car they're taking and B has brought Nandy here and she seems ok, she can form sentences that's kind of exciting since I've been doing all talking for me and my mom for about 3 years now.
Bess is dragging, the reason for the trip, and the one least motivated to go. But she gets packed and it's too chaotic they're all out the door and Nandy comes out with wet jeans and says oh no I didn't make it to the bathroom and Bess is passing me looking at me with big eyes as she overhears this I say Have a great time honey
They're off and I have mom in the half sun cause I never know if she's burning alive or freezing exactly and I throw Nandy's pants into the wash because I had one happening anyway and give her some pants I find by the door that belonged to no one so now here you go Nand, these are now yours.
I then make Nandy sort and fold all the laundry like a venezuelan orphan for no pay. Then she sweeps the back patio. Then she cleans the sink to perfection. This is like having a maid (the good news) that you have to make sure doesn't fall into the pool (the bad news). So my mind is all day evaluating her capacity since it's been a problem for months whether she can keep living alone of if she has to be put (down) somewhere or put in a bunk next to my mom. And can I handle the two of their declines. With my own little body and soul.
We spend the whole day outside. No Love Boat. No tv at all. It's so pretty out, and there seems to be alot to do now that I don't have the kids home to worry about. And somebody new looking at me saying what else should we do. I forget to eat. There is a huge mess in my mom's from taking out a bed and putting it in the house for Bruce which he ended up not coming down and needing. So the piles of stuff that were under the bed was a majestic mountain all covered in dust. Nandy and I looked at that mountain at 7 pm after working all day, when I put my mom to bed and we both looked tired and I said you know what, maybe tomorrow
She helped me feed the horses which was really just me shadowing her to make sure no one trampled her, but she can walk, man. I would kill for my mom to be able to walk and speak and smile and hold my hand.
The good thing about having a past in film production is when there's a job you fucking take it, it doesn't matter how tired you are. It will lead to more work and you need the money so you can travel and pay bills. So I wired into that part of my brain, I helped Nandy into the car with the dogs and I took her home. I had a map to her house but I let her show me and we got a little lost but she did get me there. I wanted to see how her mind was doing.
Getting out of the car I knew the dogs would think we were at the beach cause I never take them in the car and I knew they'd leap out over Nandy so I said wait don't get out yet and was almost around the car but she opened the door and Violet thought it was rope drop at Disneyland and shoved right across trampling Nandy who fell out the car door onto dirt. Then Huck landed on her. But she took a second and said I'M OKAY! like a damn hero. This is what's good about her. She's not a complainer. We dusted her off and shot the dogs okay no put them back in and then walked her in to her place.
Driving home, my brain feeling lucky that it still works what I thought was bad but is actually incredible, thinking about what should happen with Nandy, noticing that loving and caring for Nandy is a thing I can do but not the deep connection that I feel with my mom. My mom I'm doing it because I would do anything for my mom. I have no other capacity in there, there is no other road when I look in my heart.
So that feels good to see that some things make sense.
I go home and feel free, I cleaned the big bed so I can sleep in the house like the plantation owner and reign over my land of dogs and horses with no family to bother me. I check on mom and see that huge pile on the floor and think I can't look at that anymore so my mom is watching Flipper and laughing at the shirtless boys and dolphins (flipper never wears a shirt) and I slowly hang up all the clothes and throw out bags of crap and vacuum and put away comforters and wipe every counter and fold towels and pat my mom and give her juices and three hours later her place looks amazing and she's resting happily, and I climb into the big bed in the big house with hours ahead of free time until I have to go pick up Nandy and start a Saturday.
The dogs climb up on the huge bed, I have a book from GS and some ice water, everything's clean and I feel like a KING.
I'm so HAPPY, I say outloud to no one, to snoring Huck.
