When my mom is sick I feel everything doubly because she is my mom and she has no idea what's going on or the mortality or any of the drama of life, she is strictly what is on her tray in front of her, or if you are in her eyeline her eyes soften and she is so glad to see you
She is all trust. She is in my hands. My hands are sore and tired. She should never trust me but she does and so I rise
I am the farm girl with the strong body who can help the sick mom.
But when you add in the cough the wet cough I get scared and the oxygen machine wasn't working and the new company doesn't care as much about helping with my mom and I get scared and I cry trying to fix the oxygen machine with the old hospice guy Andrew who I've never met but on the phone he says let's troubleshoot it these machines are pretty simple and somehow I figure out to blow in the tube that's in the distilled water just like I clear out the bunny water tube actually and miraculously the oxygen is working and maybe my mom won't die from faulty equipment
so I get her loaded up on cough meds and antibiotics and nebulizer and then oxygen and now I'm in the sickness mode, I have to be vigilant and I wheel her in and if she's going to die I want her in the comfy chair so I wheel in the huge lift that helps get her hefted one place to another so I heft her into poppa's chair and i make sure she's sitting way upright for fluids and I get her comfy, I cut her hair and nails so she looks good in the afterlife and helped every four hours and make sure she's eating and lots of drinking and sweet potato for poop ease and my mom smiles at me, she loves me still or I love her at least and she's grateful she's really unaware that wet cough is so scary
I have to go out there now, it's late, I have to sleep nearby and make sure she's okay, and hope she has an easy time she needs someone who cares and that's me today
everyday
When you have someone relying on you it is an honor and it is so scary because you can do everything and one of these days it still won't be enough and just like the Lakers, we will lose the big tournament and have to go home empty after all that work and doing our best
because that's the rules of the game sometimes you lose and just like a tree in the fall, we have to allow life to grab us by the throat and tell us this is how it is man
This is just how it is
