I wake up the morning after we
dropped you at college after sleeping in your bed. I got home, shoved all your
clothes into the closet, opened the window and jammed the fan in to make it
fresh, got in your lumpy bed like the momma bear in the 3 bears, got mad that
you were sleeping like this, too tired to fix it, dogs happy to be in your room
and then had a fitful night. But I wanted to be in my house, in the house where
I had all the kids crawling around me, not out in dementia land a little known
subdivision that no one visits because no one answers the door when you knock.
And Barry took over the big bedroom which he would call our bedroom but in my mind it was a bed full of kids and then I
got out of there.
This morning I woke up and got
up to clean up mom and give her a pill and juice and then go out to muck the
horses and chickens who were waiting to be fed and it wasn't til I got the rake
in my hand to muck the shit that I looked up and saw the wave coming.
It was rage. I mucked and cried
and I wasn't crying because I missed my daughter. I was crying because I missed
OUT on my daughter, the one I wanted that doesn't exist. I realized with horror
that this is how b feels about his brother donny and how he must feel about his
relationship with me. Living with Bess since she was 12 when she lost a
basketball game and I went to hug her and she turned away, rejecting me for the
very first time ever and leaving me holding all the bags of love - I have lived
in that for the last 6 years.
I had rage for all the love I
had that was unused and all the arms I had hanging wasted not requested, the
basics of human existence, connection, humor, love, affection, wiped clean like
a target whiteboard. Which we just bought for her dorm room door.
She would not allow love, she
was the hoover dam of affection.
As I mucked I felt what was
under all that anger and then flowed the tears because all of it was hurt. An
arrow pronged heart just shredded from living in a relationship shredded years ago and did I create Bess being removed from love because she
saw how I blocked love in my own life?
I think all this painful
mucking, this is how things get opened up and maybe change is possible. My body
wants to let go of all this pain but there may not be a water tower big enough
to hold all the tears of rage humiliation sadness horror neglect to self,
beauty because there is always beauty no matter how difficult
huh
in the middle of writing this
Bess just called me
Huh
head tilt
maybe there needed to be some
separation to find the love. Maybe we take our connection that isn't lost to
the wind and carry it forward into a new place
All I know is I bought four
pairs of stirrups on the drive home from leaving her dorm at 10 pm in simi
vallley so some obsessions never end
You told me not to change your
bed so I won't, you said you met someone named Clayton who's from a small town
and rides horses and is her zach and a billie eilish lover
she and her roommates walked
down the hall and there was a door that said knock if you want to say hi and they did and there were a bunch of
people in there
She is doing well
She is still your daughter
Maybe she had to go away to come
back
