It has been a weird few months. Bank fraud, ankle break, a friendship took the noon balloon (as my dad would say), flood, mouse infestation, stepson with some trubbles who moved in a week ago, and a ravaging longlasting cold and flu
why not add bees?
I am still healing up, remember, taking it easy with my ankle, swimming and getting my riding muscles back, so I've been riding an easy one every day for a few weeks. Then I got sick with a bad flu so I stopped swimming but kept trying to ride as much as I could. So today I thought okay, I'll ride Meriwether out, and Dewey back, Meri is my youngest one in training, being ridden, but I felt up for it.
He was super, he needs guidance because he's like oooh butterfly look- but if you keep him going with constant guidance he's like oh okay! I like the rules, lemme do it for you! So Meri chugged along just fine, Dewey came along like the dopey sidekick with the heart of gold, and on the way back I switched horses so I could ride the easy one and have a relaxing ride home.
We're almost to the end of the dirt path in the estates and I smell smoke. Sky is clear. I'm like hmm someone must be having a fire.
Then I am attacked by bees.
This has happened before, actually, twice, so now I'm just mad and yelling.
I guess these neighbors behind the wall next to the dirt path are keeping bees. I guess they were smoking them out or something but I thought that made bees calm. All I know is there are bees in my eyes. I want to keep them out of my helmet because that's what happened last time and they are looking for a way in. Dewey is even flipping his head around like wtf is going on get these off me -
I get stung on the left eyebone and the right eyebone. I get the fuck out of there as fast as I can but you can't fight bees they fly all crazy and they are really really pissed.
I get around the corner and Meri takes advantage of my loose hold on his rope and pulls his head away so he's free and trots down the road like he's late for a concert. I don't worry about him because he will never leave Dewey. I get off Dewey to try and get the bees off his back leg that he's showing me by stomping his feet and looking at me like whyyyy
I hear a buzzing in his ear but I can't find the bee that is trapped but somehow it gets out. I'm not gonna ride a horse with a bee in its ear, that's for sure.
Dewey seems to be fine now, I walk over to catch Meri who is merrily eating grass, and my stung face is throbbing and hot. I used to be allergic to bees but it hasn't been so bad as an adult.
By the time I get home my cheek is swollen so that I look like Kurt Russell AND Goldie Hawn.
By the time I put the horses away and get inside to tell Barry about my latest adventure on Hell Island which is what I'm going to call End of 2025 Beginning of 2026, my face is red hurting and my eye almost shut.
B and I are almost laughing. I said first of all, I'm okay, yay no emergency room. And c, you thought you needed eyes? Let's try life looking through the eyes of post-fight Mike Tyson.
I HEAR YOU, 2026.
With an ice pack to my eyes I scratch out a letter I address to Kind Neighbors and ask them to please move their bee boxes away from that wall so I can ride and perhaps old people can walk by also without being attacked by bees. I take the golf cart and drop it in the mailbox and I never want a confrontation but today I am looking and wishing those people were in their yard so I could give them a piece of my face. It's a good thing I read Frankenstein recently. Now I know why.
I am the monster
I go get hay at the feed store in the golf cart with a cold soda pressed on my face and the kids up there at the cash register that I see every week all gasp and then they're saying well at least you're not sick! Cause that was last week.
Do things like this ever really get repaired? I am thinking. Those people will not move their bees. Now I will have to walk far across the street to avoid this repeat scenario. I mean people do what they want to do. They are behind a wall. The bees, unfortunately, fly right over. And directly into my eyes.
Why are they so mad? They are like little angry capsules full of fuck you. These certain bees. I love bees. Not these bees. Not ever.
Going to ice and ruminate. I took an antihistamine which should also help my annoying cold.
The good news, the ride was really happy. I'll be doing well like myself again in no time. How much more careful do I have to be, I am ALREADY SO CAREFUL when riding. This bee thing and the face like a boiled ham, it's just, god is telling me something. I am listening but damn I swear I am just being a normal person doing normal things like all the rest of us. And then tipping my head sideways like wtf just happened.
Bee safe out there guys. You can never bee too safe. And it was only TWO BEES.
We are all only two bees to the face away from being Kurt Russell.
ps update
The bee guy Boris actually called me and said he would move the bee boxes. (He said when did you ride by? I said a few hours ago. He said oh I know exactly when. I had just riled up the bees.
I said (pause) No kidding. You riled them right into my face. He said tell me when you ride and I won't bother them then. I said how bout you move the boxes wayyyyyy the fuck away from the common wall where people walk their dogs and ride. You know, maybe try that. He said oh good idea.)
Still, he called me and apologized. That seems unrealistic, or the beginning of an intercontinental rom com where Boris the bumbling russian accidentally starts a mail order bride business with kindly american neighbors. He said oh I will leave you some honey. In the mailbox. (Not in a container, just IN the mailbox. I open the mailbox it's full of bees. Okay maybe that's a horror film.)
I told him Just please move the bees, Boris. Move them far.
