The shrink said to let this time after kids be quiet and you can see what feels right to do after that. It's weird to sit quietly so I don't sit much I like to fuss and move around and tidy things, not deep clean, I like certain piles of things to add density to my holey life, even though I also wish the piles were gone. But maybe being in your 20s is when you have nothing extra in your closets because you haven't lived yet you haven't gathered and settled and formed.
I'm going to be sixty this year and this is highly irregular but I've never been sixty before, this will be the first time I'm trying it on. I think I'm realizing I like doing a little bit of everything and nothing all day. I like floating along with my mom and caring for the horses, then having some tea and breakfast and word games and french, and then riding in the rain or sunshine, and then swimming and then lunch and couch with my mom and checking on her, then the expanse of the afternoon where my body feels alive and cared for and yet there is still free time and then the day is wrapping up I can tell by the sun and I feel sad at this time of day like you opened all your presents at christmas and now you have to wait for next christmas but then the chickens need to be helped to bed and my mom too, and then nathan comes home and I see his face a few minutes. In that late sunlight time is when I think about needlepointing an ornament for Emma's boulder school, to remember it for this christmas. I just finished a stocking so I can start a new one or do a little ornament that's always a good challenge. I also am going to write this subculture thing I think, I've been adding ideas to that, it's in the idea phase. The gathering part. There's always stress about money. That part has never been easy. At least if I'm writing a new thing I'm doing what I'm here to do. Taking care of the barn and my mom and my fam and the laundry and pool and vacuuming and blowing the yard, and hottub, it's keeping me busy enough. Nathan takes care of all the cars. B does all the bills. B is the calm center. I'm going to send two shorts in to a festival and see if I can win somebody looking at my work.
There has to be someplace for these shorts. They're funny and look people have no attention span. I'm reading my dad's book. I've been reading again. When I'm swimming and riding I've been trying to remember to be unlocked. Unlock my arms, unlock my face, unlock all the stuff I haven't been using, as I try to hold my mom together. Just float, use my whole body. Remember to feel all the earth vibrating around me, I can feel all those colors out on the trail, and the horse's gentle reminders to plod along, looking for snacks. The water's reminder to stretch and breathe. The dogs' reminder to keep an eye on me and settle at my feet wherever I am, when I land on a couch or bed. They're my life supervisors. I am well tended.
It's good to remember you are vital to small things.
I think I can desire to find more with my writing, find a place to reach more people, and still stay my quiet secluded self so I can keep writing. I don't have to be great at selling. I'm great at the writing part and imagining. Being in love with the world. I thought today when I was swimming, what if I am just going to take care of people, and that's my job. I can stay in my pajamas. I can still write and swim and ride that way. What if I'm in a pretty good profession just here at my house where I feel comfortable. Pretty soon grandkids are coming anyway. I don't wanna miss that. I can go back to school or publish or whatever or I can just be here where I already am. I'm rich here.
Maybe my farm will never be huge pastures that I'd really like to have. But I do really like the place I already am in, and what I'm doing in it. I wouldn't mind a sheep.
Just my musings about where I'm headed and where feels right, and who am I trying to prove anything to. I'm going to be sixty. I'm pretty sure I'm the only one who gets to know what me getting to sixty is like on the inside. It's my path with myself and for myself.
All around me is so much stuff I've created though, imagine this house wihtout me and my millions of stockings and all things furry and clean pool and well tended family, and those three kids. Those three angel babies. My greatest achievement of all time. No wonder I feel full. That's why having to go get a blood test or have to go to the store feels like SO MUCH EXTRA. I'm already good enough. What if I already have everything I need? (I am getting a new saddle shh) Bruce is so loud.
I love my life.
Just have to publish Large, and Momish, and Subculture, and a book of short plays, and produce Lewis and Clark, Home on the Range, the movie of Momish, the movie of Large, shoot all the shorts, make the luge short, and most importantly don't forget that taking care of your mom and the kids and b and the animals is really all that matters in the real world of your life. The writing is just the proof. on paper
Also the loss of my friend hasn't been that bad. Once I got over the horror of something was changing, and without warning, just like ripping off a bandaid, it hurt hard for awhile and now I just see that it's too bad he didn't love me. Cause we were hilarious. I'm kinda glad to see what's up next and what the space will bring. I did order space mountain mickey ears for next year. Maybe that's why I love space mountain. All the space and the black and all the fun inside.
I miss bess. And Evie is too far in Boulder. Also I'm writing this from my great big bed. Recently evacuated by B. So now I can sleep in mom's room if I want but I have my very own space in the real house too. So I don't have to always sleep at work.
Maybe this will help my hair grow back. Rest is underrated. But look little changes are happening everywhere, and even if some of them felt bad, as that ice skater said, it's still a story part of the story and the story is interesting.
