I'm going to turn 60. In 8 days.
I have a mom and a dad. And another mom. And a dad of the kids. And a dogsitting dog who looks like a pixar waffle.
I have a beautiful estate. I have sunshine. I have water. I have bare feet. I made it SO FAR. I MADE IT HERE.
I have Lin's farm in Maryland where I woke up early and worked in her steel roofed barn watching her ride and knowing that if I walked into the trees I could walk very far (on a horse) and not see a person. Just a path, and nature.
I used to call Barry there, from the barn phone, and bill it somehow to another phone because that's when phone calls cost money if they were from far away.
We didn't have any kids, in fact I was married to Will, I was 29. I was thinner and free. I was the same exact person I am today. I laughed the same.
I miss the Maryland roads, and the lack of cars, and the bridges over water. I miss working on shows where I daydreamed and picked out men and women and wrote and wrote and lived with my dumb brother and dumb friend and slept with whoever I wanted whenever I wanted. I miss the adventure of having nothing, when buying soda was extravagant.
I got handed a little baby three times, that I could keep.
I kept the babies and I nursed them. I nursed them as long as I possibly could. Because feeding your own baby with your body is the most amazing connection to a person aside from Halloween 1991 I have ever had.
I have had some incredible horses. Rides through water over the years where I just sat in water and watched the horses eat. Chopped down bushes to get through the trail. Talked and laughed with stupid friends, my main riding friends are all gone now. Like their time has passed maybe because of me but maybe because of them or maybe because of time and because of nothing.
I'm learning that I don't want to carry into my next years any of the bullshit I don't need to carry. It's just an empty suitcase. There's no need to pay for a carryon with nothing in it, you know how expensive traveling can be. My goal these next few years aside from horses and grandkids is to let go of everything. Let go of everything. Keep the real stuff. Let go of the hurt. I don't need it anymore and frankly it stinks and it's over.
All I need to carry is my love of the planet, the beautiful kids I helped create, the words I made that are as true as they can be, the discoveries and understanding of myself I've gotten from writing things out, and the laughs especially from writing the crazy stuff. I love all those characters, lewis and clark, Alex and Lilly, Tomcat, Jesse James, Vaughn and Daphne, Clark and Kenneth and Helen, Seal and the amish, Seahorse Guy and Fosse. All the friends we have because of the kids, all the stockings I got to make, the colors to play with, the designs, the laughs making them up. The time with my mom on the water, on boats, with uncle wayne, showing my kids the amish market and the east, driving all across the country like my mom did with us, trying so so hard to do the right things for them and show them everything and most of all to be able to dress them each day and see everything they saw and listen to their tiny voices, their discoveries and bask in them.
All the movie sets where everything was so real it was fake, where everything is a simulation and how that can feel way better than the real thing. To my body who I am barely shaking hands with even though we've known each other since the beginning, I wish I knew you better, I wish I was able to love people through you but I know you have your stopsigns when it comes to real people mattering. You could do a great job when climbing through Mike Krone's window at night after in n out and being a dumbass having sex to feel good but when it came to day to day mattering to someone, you could not handle the reality of sex and knowing someone. For very long.
Short term. Yes. So excellent at that.
I have been wanting to work on that one. But maybe nobody works on that one. I just learned yesterday that there is no orgasm that isn't clitoral. I thought I was just broken. Why don't they tell girls these things. I think orgasms should be on menus because they are nature's candy. Use them. I tried to tell my girls this. I got them vibrators when they left for college. Good for tension, and just plain fun. But shh.
I'm not sure why.
I'm going to be 60 and my writing has only really entertained me. I'm hoping that I can reach a little bit bigger audience. That's what I'm going to do until I have grandkids. I have written so much. I can stop and sell it.
I'm not going to feel bad or abandoned anymore. I want to feel good and solid now. There is no need to be hanging on to stupid things. My older brother can go be stupid. My younger brother can go be stupid. I will just be myself imperfect, perfect, funny, dark, weird, happy, outdoors, indoors, and get wrinkly and cuter. I will be loud. I won't fake being nice, how bout that. As much as is kind, anyway.
I want to keep writing funny things and I would like to have them performed or seen or heard. That is something I need. What else am I here for.
I will focus on the beauty of the world around me (not the freeway) and if god willing I can get the fuck out of the city I would really like to be where I can see woods and water, and take walks like that with dogs and horses. I don't want to give up my house. I love this place. But I wouldn't mind having a place where I could breathe a little easier, where there was space and more more more gentle nature. Even just a few months a year. Please birthday wish.
Also I love my weird friends, Chris, Rebecca, Linette. I love that they make me laugh and rein me in when I need it. I love my little sick mom, and B for always being there and knowing exactly what to say and feel. His heart, we all float on it.
Time to put the chickens and my mom away. Thank you gods for making me. Thank you new york for taking me, at birth and at college. And for releasing me because fuck I never want to live there again. Thank you Maryland and LA for giving me roads to the movies and to water. Thanks to water and the ocean for making me feel shocked, small and unprotected. Thank you to stars for doing the same. Thank you life for giving me my family, grandparents, I am so lucky to have each person and all their layers, and all their stories and all their loving arms, and all their visions. Thank you judy blume and anne shirley and jane austen and shakespeare and murray and sedaris and steve martin and monty python and prince and cowboy junkies and cookie dough and mnms and mel brooks and women and men who make me laugh and blankets and travel and french and eyes and hands and feet and thoughts.
How do I feel about time passing and no way to stop it?
As Nick would say on New Girl when he broke up with his girlfriend: Shall I compare thee to a summer's day? No, because a summer's day is not a bitch.
