Hooray for Hollywood

A good way to kill people would be to take them to a live taping of "Kippy" for four hours on a Friday near Christmas.

"Kippy" is a Disney show for kids, and we were packed into audience seats with about 200 kids under the age of 11. With a ringleader guy whose job it was to get them to stand up and scream constantly. His job was to actually encourage the kids to FAKE LAUGH at the really bad jokes like they were funny.

I grew up in Hollywood, of course I know that it's all fake, and even the actors are fake and everything they sit on is fake, the elevator's fake, and the cameras are there to record how real it all looks and yet it's all fake.

I must have gotten old because everything just looked bizarre to me. A group of well-paid grown ups were sitting around on the stage, by the monitors actually LAUGHING like the jokes were funny and I thought wait, are they funny? But they're not FUNNY. The kids are just mugging. Well, if I had to pick one, the lead actress was actually physically funny, she looked 40 and she was 18.

I took five kids, two of mine and three extras. None of them had been to a taping before, although my kids have been on soundstages when their dad works, so they are savvy. But they're at this stage like awkward fish - too big to be little, too little to be big. And I had to leave Lilly home with Barry for many hours and I missed putting her to bed (I think only the second time in her life) and my friend (who got us the tickets to the show) kept saying I should get out more and I just stared at her because who the hell would want to be out more, when I have the greatest thing going on at home?

To get the show, I had to take the three girls from Emma's school and rush from there where I'm doing a Santa's Workshop, selling stuff for kids to buy for their families, pick up Nathan and his friend at middle school, feed them all cold pizza in the car because there would be no food until 9 at night, drive to Hollywood. Get ushered into the soundstage. Sit down and realize that I have hay all over my sweater and scarf, and my socks had horse pee on them. Watch actors that are 9 years old who probably drive better cars than I do. Who puts their kids in show business? An adult couldn't handle being primped and fussed over and having to act like a grown up, stay on your mark, don't move, stay focused, look cute - and then go home and take out the trash? Very weird world.

Then I had to refill my water at one point and left the audience section to go to the water cooler and had two security guys almost throw me to the ground until I explained, Boys, I'm only going to refill my water. (I pointed to the cooler) It's right there. They had a discussion, she's only going to fill up her water. They thought about it, then they let me do it.

The kids had painted their own Jessie t-shirts (which was very cool), and screaming guy who gets the audience warmed up made sure they were noticed.

But at least the taping went on past 9 p.m. As I slowly disintegrated into myself, the kids had a blast. Because of my friend on the show, they got to meet all the actors, got to try out all the furniture on the set, got to get their posters signed, got to take pictures with the actors. They got the whole thing. And in the car on the way home, they all read the script out loud and played the parts. That was really sweet, actually.

SO loud, it's true, I don't get out much. The yelling up in the audience, and then the action down on stage - it was an 11 year old's dream. It was the first time I realized thank God I didn't have to sit through Britney Spears concerts.

I got home and got in bed with Lilly in her footie pajamas and got my book out (Anne of Green Gables) but then I couldn't even read, I just felt my brain de-fry, the baby's weight on my chest, and I was cured of Hollywood dreams. So glad I've spent the last 11 years with these kids, making a nice solid nest. Sets are fun, but we're only a soundstage wall away from a cold hard Hollywood street out there. I admire those actors for putting their hearts out there and giving everything for the ten minutes they have of fame. But being home with that baby, I couldn't wait. There is such success, passion in that reality. Making a person. That's weighty.