Yesterday was so good and then today. .Why
Yesterday we went to the thrift store and my mom was so happy, we picked out a bunch of junky stuff that she loved the color or feel of and that small adventure cheered her life, and when we left we passed two meth heads sitting down by a shopping cart, all skinny and leathery gross, and my mom (holding my hand) looked at them and felt somber and said Some people are broken.
Earlier she had been mad at me for making her get in the tub (every 4 days, is that so much?) and she said "I'M IN MY 80's. I'm almost 90" and I said Mom you're 77. She said "Well that's near the end." It was kinda funny.
But then today. I had to teach. Then two staff meetings, at which I am superfluous but paid to attend. So she doesn't understand why I am saying MOM I'M WORKING. THIS IS MY CLASS. And I point at the little box on my lap with weird people talking on it and I'm sure she thinks I'm fucking NUTS. Who looks crazier, let's play that game and man it is a close match.
So she descended into this dark Dementia Dan world while I worked and then she swept the yard and I worked and then when I came out after all of it she was never quite the same, sort of lost and tired and more lost, so I fed her dinner and if you don't stay with her she gives everything to the dog. I went outside to do one thing and I came back to get her to take her to her room for bed and she had filled the dog's bowl with pretzels and apple pieces and I tried not to get mad (that was MY apple) I tried to slow down and say you know we already fed her and can you see this is dog food over here and we're trying not to use people food for the dog. Emma ate the pretzels out of the dog dish and I ate the apples and later we thought well it's not actually a bad snack for a dog. She's only mothering. Misplaced mothering.
That's a good quality.
I would find it sweet I just get so mad because it is a job and by 7 I'm ready to be done.
Tomorrow will be better. I put my Bernie shirt on to go to bed. Bernie knows the right things to say. Bernie would say good job. He would say that's your motha. You're doing the right thing.
