Having the cast off is like having no actual cast on your healing hand, but feeling like an iron cast is left on but made of your actual skin. Bending the fingers is like you're the rented balloon guy at the party and all your fingers are those fat sausage balloons and there's no way to actual shape them into anything. I told Chris that the breaking of the hand is not the problem. It doesn't hurt to break things, it hurts to heal things.
I get scared of all the changes, like Mom being the same but not the same, and the fear of her going or the fear of her not going.
Emma is home for spring break. Nathan is in Hawaii cause of a free place to stay and it's Hawaii. Lilly went to her first track meet when she had only practiced like twice and had never cleared the high jump at all. So it's good she had to compete at that. Going in positive and prepared. But then she actually cleared the jump. Three times! We got her the special spikey track shoes the night before and maybe that worked all we know is her teammates Nicole and Victoria both borrowed the shoes for their events and did really well. I like a team shoe. There's victory in that.
Otherwise I'm still just in post production on this Dementia project. It's been two years, long hours, so much crying. When the kids kiss my mom though or even just greet her with love, it kills me. They are so nice, why are they so nice. Why does Nathan vacuum. And Emma scratches my head.
We had a little family talk the other night and Lilly was wondering what the point of life was. I said I thought it might be ice cream.
My hand is so fat, and the hair grew under the cast so when they took it off I looked Armenian.
Sometimes making calls to doctors and insurance is the only thing you accomplish if you don't count watching I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant. Emma and I watched the one titled "Baby in My Sweatpants."
That might be the meaning to life.
I'm thinking it might be Team Shoe. Though. My family has been my team shoe. Even though I don't really know what's going on, where we're headed, why everything takes so long and also goes too fast, why West Side Story was so boring, at least CODA was good.
Last night Emma and Lilly were singing the duet from CODA, really belting it out, in the dark on our saggy couch that we found down the street, and watching the kids smiling while they're singing
that's also maybe the team shoe
