Fat Fingers Unite

By the way, since my ring finger was the broken one, I went to a guy next to gymnastics, a jeweler, who never seems to be there and when he opens his door it smells like cigars and whiskey - anyway, my engagement ring won't fit over my fat broken finger so I went to him to see if he could enlarge it. So he said no problem - no charge, even - and then escorts me to his little glass display case which has like three rings in it and maybe a dead body underneath - he seems so mafia.

He sizes the ring, it's like a size 5 and then he sizes my finger as it is now and he's like "oh my god, it's like a man's size." I'm like, hey, never say this to a chick. And yes, my finger is a whopping size 10 now. Then he says "You should get a doctor to look at that." I'm like um, yeah, I've had surgery. I've had alot of doctors all over that finger, can you f*#cking fix the ring or not?? The guy starts pulling out necklace chain and saying you should wear that ring on a chain, aint no way it's going to stretch from 5 to 10. I tell him (coldly, though he's so drunk he doesn't notice) that I DETEST chains, and if I wore one it would be really long like all the way to my ankles, because otherwise I feel strangled. Ever since having kids, I can't even have my clothes touching me too tightly, I'm suffocating, trapped, the kids are okay but I want everything else OFF.

He says well, I can do, how you say, you know, they fix the heart, the the the oh, the bypass. (huh?) He says he can cut off the back of the ring and fit another band on the back like a bypass. Bypass around the huge finger. But he kind of laughs and says it will not look the same. On accounta you're a freak, he's saying.

Okay, well, I'm backing out now, thanks. Thanks for everything. I'll think about it.

So my ring is still in my wallet where the change is supposed to go. So we're still waiting to do the bypass, when I can find a jeweler that isn't drunk and who finds my fattish finger adorable.

In the meantime, I ordered an 11 dollar wedding ring online and it's a size 11. It's too big, I found it in the hay bin outside yesterday where it must've slid off. But it doesn't choke me. Barry broke his finger a few years ago when Nigel dropped the diving board they were carrying and Barry fell in the pool. His finger is also a fat sized 11. We were meant to be. I'm ordering his ring right now. Fat fingers unite.