Becky at night I talk to you.
I'm starting to think I might be irrelevant. Not like the irrelevant's at the zoo. I think maybe I write for myself, and everything is in a box and on the computer and nobody will look and who cares. So I've been looking outward instead and there's so many things going on. Butterflies and spiderwebs and so much rain the other day.
The day it rained and was supposed to be a hurricane but was really a Maryland summer all in one day, I stayed outside as much as I could. I always have something to do because I like to be in mud and I like to feel like I'm part of the earth. It had just started raining so I watched how the water was running in the barn and I helped make little paths for it to run and hurry its way out of the barn in an organized fashion instead of dilly dallying (good twin names) and mudflooding my barn where the horses have to stand. I don't mind that the barn isn't perfect, that it leaks in a few spots. As long as the water knows its path, and there are islands of dry dirt for them to stand on and chew hay, it is a relaxing little refuge. This barn.
Maybe I'm just slowing down
I like when there's sand in my ears cause that means I had fun at the beach. I went in the ocean. We took the little puppy to the ocean. The ocean is an unflappable pie that you fold yourself into and turbulence takes over. Also it's freezing. It douses you in the end of the year, it wipes away all thought and all past life completely and the water washes you new.
I didn't relax at the beach much, my kids are big and I kept thinking am I with the right family? How did they get tall like trees even tho I was there every second how did they outtall me and outsmart me. I don't have to be smart luckily. Emma's smart enough for all of us and some of the neighbors. Box checked.
Learning a new puppy at the beach seems like I've never done it before. She got to meet three dogs her first strangers. All of them were ugly pretty much but the water and the sand and vast sky made up for it. We forgot the umbrella so we dug a bunker under the surfboard and she laid in the cold sand with her ball and she didn't forget the ball.
This neighbor wants my mom's dog I think and if I give her my mom's dog am I giving up my mom? I feel like would I want her dog when she's gone to remind me she was here am I going to forget her. How do I cram all of what I need from a mother into a tiny dog that doesn't like to be picked up and barks hello. There is really nothing wrong with the dog. But the lady likes to take walks and the dog likes to take walks so they've been taking walks. Also I'M the one who set them up and put them together like dog/lady Tinder and then I feel guilty. Because my mom notices the dog sometimes and the dog lays right by her wheelchair and takes care of her even if she doesn't know it. I think that's what gets me is her furry loyalty is so deep. I think Pretzel would want to stay but also still go on walks. There's nothing wrong with Pretzel. It's my mom that's got the brain problem. I think I'm mad that Pretzel is capable of basic things like going for a walk and my mom can't even remember why she's holding an apple so she throws it.
I am sad about my mom. And the kids getting bigger. And my foot hurting, and my body not keeping up with all the stuff I wanna do. And the lack of nurture. I need a nurture class (free) where people just pet me and tell me how funny and loved I am. And then bring me food. I guess that's what a mom is. I'm missing that mom. I feel like I barely used her and now she's all used up. And I have TWO actual moms, one very lovey one, and my friend Rebecca who will scratch my back. But she moved away. And Emma will scratch my back but she doesn't want to. I think the problem is there is not ever enough love to make me feel loved. I am an unclogged drain and the love just keeps flowing out. Why am I a human colander.
We went to medieval times and we had a front row seat where people kept bringing us food which we ate with our hands while watching horses. This was maybe the way I could eat every meal the rest of my life.
I like my life. I love my whole family. And B's fam, they all came over yesterday it was supposed to just be an oil change and brie's brother stopped by randomly cause he was driving thru town and there were kids and popsicles and happiness. I like when there's no time to think cause someone is making rice krispy treats in my kitchen and all I have to do is wander in and eat them.
But lately I yearn sorry for land open land and the beauty of it and the space. I need the blank space to feel less crowded.
I had to sub in 2nd grade only for three hours and I don't know how teachers do it. I was so dreading it because 27 kids and it's still August how are people in school but the kids are very sweet it's the WORK that sucks. All the trying and effort and managing little hurricanes. I gave out many scratch and sniff stickers. I gave one to EVERY KID. When you get a sticker at school from a teacher who says you did everything right, how is that not the best day of your life, at 7 or 70.
Two old people were walking on the beach and they stopped to pet Violet who greets everyone on the beach like a long distant lover deplaning at an airport. I liked that there was time to stop and pet a dog, next to this dramatic ocean doing it's incredible show, every day, just right there, tapping you, reminding you, washing over your bare feet, and the old people on the shore bent to pet the new dog because there was time, and this was an important part of the day.
I think I am so full of love and I don't want to be alone there.
