We had a big fight yesterday because I spilled water in the back of Emma's car.
It wasn't a fight but it wasn't a birthday party I'll tell you that. There was crying so I always think that means fight but really it was about being muzzled and being tired of being criticized.
The problem with having a fight is you have to listen to OTHER PEOPLE'S versions of you and I don't even want to hear MY version of me because there's no way we can ever live up to or satisfy other people totally.
And it was YESTERDAY, July 4th, and it was the first year we were not at Mike and Eileen's wonderhouse watching fireworks from the expanse of their yard because Eileen had to go and have a stroke two years ago and ruin the parties for us. And also her brain, and her life and the life of her own family but come ON EILEEN
WHY DID YOU DO THIS TO US
So we went to the movies instead because Bess wanted to see Scarlett Blowhandjob (she is beautiful) in a Jurassic Park movie which turned out to be hilarious and in the parking lot we were walking to the car and I said in a voice that I use as my own voice, I think Scarlett Blowhandjob is looking asian these days. And Emma told me I can't say that
that that's racist
And I'm getting in the car and looking at her 23 year old face and I'm like I didn't say I don't like asians. I said she looked asian
She said I don't understand what you mean
and then Bess just agreed that I wasn't allowed to say that and then I felt like wait what the fuck is going on and then I tipped the popcorn over a bit trying to find my seatbelt and Emma flipped out looking for the ten pieces of popcorn and then when we got home I tried to pick everything up I was carrying and tipped my water over spilling about one and three eighths inches of water drops in her car
WATER DROPS IN HER CAR ON A HOT DAY SOON TO BE ABSORBED WITH NO TRACE
and I saw her crumbling and looking at me like I was the biggest retard
so when I got in the house I said I'm allowed to say that I think Scarlett Johansson is looking asian!
she said not in a parking lot!
I said Saying she looks asian is not MEAN TO ASIANS!!!
Then I said ALSO (here it goes) I think it's okay to spill water in car you got FOR FREE from our FAMILY when it is WATER and it's a HOT DAY
and she said you are always spilling everything
and I said (I'm tired of doing italics so) maybe because I am CARRYING TOO MUCH!! I'm carrying everything! I don't mind carrying everything, I'm a mom!
She said I've been trying to help you carry things
I say I know but eventually (I start crying) because I say I HOPE you get to the point in your life where you have had the luxury to raise your beautiful kids and give everything to them and to be exhuasted by cleaning up and fixing and that YOU TOO will be carrying EVERY FUCKING THING and you will not keep as neat a house as you did when you were single because I WAS SINGLE AND MY HOUSE could fit in my car at that time!! I WAS YOU!! But I am GRATEFUL (cue crying here while still holding all the stuff) that I GOT THE CHANCE to carry all the stuff and spill all the stuff because I got to raise three beautiful amazing children! Who are all leaving! Bess leaving this very next few months!
And I HOPE you get to where I have gotten in my life!! Where you LOVE YOUR LIFE CARRYING EVERYTHING SO MUCH you can't keep up totally and your kids think you're stupid and slow and messy and I am there following behind them holding everything with a water bottle that CLEARLY NEEDS A LID all I need is a LID ON THIS MOTHERFUCKER
You CAN keep everything perfect, it's awesome but real life is not how clean you keep your car or if you recycle or if your clothes match, all of that is REALLY COOL and maybe you will have success as a content creator on tiktok or you'll look really good on your ID badge at work or whatever but for ME
I want to talk about NOT LIKING SUBTITLES in movies and how movies are an art form where as a WRITER I don't want to be reading the words while I'm watching a movie, I want the words to be a texture, a part of the image and the sound and the feel and the faces and the WHOLE not written so that I have to read it
And I yelled about how mean everyone was on moments of our Maryland trip and how it felt to be criticized and how I want people to FOR SURE grow up and move forward but also not be afraid to break apart and most of all TELL US when you're scared and to feel SAFE
It is weird though to have to yell and cry to understand how you're feeling, and then stand there with everyone still there, on your living room rug that is still lying there quietly like it's no big deal to say things out loud. Sometimes it takes a little volume and some eye water to startle the ducks off the lake of your life. We all want that calm lake and no one wants to look inside at what problems they're causing in their family or if their personality sucks or have I gotten this far and this deep and STILL NOT be worthy of the tremendous love created here
Or does love just take every fucking thing thrown into it to keep building it to keep nurturing it
Clearly there are some issues here that could be easily solved by ice cream
Maybe I NEED people to be fucked up so I can keep wading out deep into them with my bucket of popcorn and spilling it everywhere as I eat it and looking all around my legs for those dreaded Maryland sea nettles but I LOVE the water and the maze of human feelings, I LIKE not knowing everything and wanting to know more, I LIKE being weird and imperfect and moronic, I just wish my family
thought I was cool
is all
just as I am
Anyway. So we stood there in the living room with everyone crying a little and B saying the most sensible things as usual, the coolheaded B who says the core of everything like he's shopping at 7-11, like it's all easy, he's says we're all getting older
We're all bewildered, going through tumultuous changes and trying to understand what we need and we're all looking for peace
this was our fireworks on the 4th this year. Inside the house and no chinese gunpowder. Yes chinese because fireworks are MADE IN CHINA by CHINESE
I blame Eileen for this. You ruined our 4th. Your forthed us into having a conversation because we had to go to a movie with a white yet asian ish movie star that was subtitled and then get in a hot car
We missed our normal 4th. We might be bored of it but that didn't mean we wanted it to ever END. It was our tradition, since the kids were born. We need our traditions. They are our little rivers we float on. We loved your house, and the lack of food, we brought all our own food. We grilled it all. We baked the cakes. We loved your gentle face and your autistic son and your recluse husband, and the kids and the pool and the grass and the mountain view. We wish you were better. Fuck strokes man.
Traditions go down hard, with a fight.
