Can we talk about Mordy for a second.
First of all I thought his name was Levi. Which was way cooler. But then I found out it was first name Mordachai last name Levi wait maybe I should change this name so it's not rude ok so his name is Mordy LeviWranglerjeans.
Here's how Mordy came about. I put an ad on FB marketplace because that's where the kids say is a better place to sell things these days. Apparently Craigslist is strictly for daterape and murderers (I have an ad there too, always good to keep your friday night options open.)
Every few years I get bored and put an ad up to find some paying riders to go along with me on an occasional ride, since I ride every day. So I put this ad on FB marketplace and apparently I haven't priced anything out in the world since 1972 because my prices were so low I got 6000 views and 40,000 messages. So I took that ad down and upped my price and put it back up (which I have now done three more times btw until I got the price righter) and on one of those mid priced ads I got Mordy.
Mordy is a doughy curly haired superjew like the kosher kind with a huge inky black mercedes the big boxy kind which Nathan says is a G wagon and which I say is A Big Black Car. Mordy has a kind face though, like the face of a nine year old trick or treater in a mommade bad ghost costume. So I forgive Mordy's flagrant car and say wait, look at his ultrasmooth skin, maybe he's cool.
I always have new riders meet me at the school cause I don't like people at my house and Mordy signs the waiver and gets on and lemme say I usually only see women, Kurt was the only dude I really rode with. There was one fireman one time. But really if you wanna do trail, you wanna go with Kurt.
Mordy is no Kurt.
Mordy was talking about his 700 dollar boots. I was like three hundred and fifty EACH?? He was telling me they will last a lifetime. Who wants a lifetime with one kinda boot? I only want a vacuum for a lifetime, the rest of the stuff I like to switch out every now and then.
Mordy also talked about his 2000 dollar dog, which happened to be the breed of my childhood dog, German Shorthair Pointer, so I was genuinely interested in this dog. He also said his family recently bought 60 acres in Santa Maria to start a ranch.
Ok so money aside, the guy is not funny. I sat on the horses in the creek, my beloved church-like creek with him like I did with Kurt so many times where Kurt and I sat and listened to water and only talked about very important things like do you think John Ritter ever hooked up with Suzanne Somers and why doesn't spray cheese taste as good as it used to
With Mordy it was quiet in the jungle where we were surrounded by trees and water and I heard dogs barking in the woods and I said I bet it's a convict on the run and those are the bloodhounds after him and Mordy looked at me kind of frozen like his imagination was turned down real low
and then I heard the low hum of his brain and I realized I'd been disconnected
and my beloved creek held its breath and felt sorry for me. Put a leafy hand on my shoulder in co- misery.
That's pretty much how it was the whole ride. It felt like I was riding with the head of HR of a small really boring business. He asked alot of questions but then ultimately it was about how his tshirt was just a little too snug to be attractive for me to have to look at while riding behind him on horseback. I should tell him gently. But hopefully I don't ever have to see him again.
But then he's decided that riding is his new favorite thing and he wants to ride all the time and he can't really ride, ps, and also he's not all that interesting in learning how. He just wants to be doing something outside so I might suggest he try kites or perhaps a nice gloved rock wall.
Anyway, he wanted to come back and take a lesson this time, and I had just had two completely cheerful and goofy girls come out to take a lesson at my house, and they paid 50 bucks each (back at my original low prices) and since I didn't want Mordy to come back I said oh well lessons are 60 and the trail ride is 40 so it's 100 bucks for an hour and a half and he just sent me the money right then like it was for Fruit Roll Ups.
Damn.
So Mordy came back to my HOUSE the next (and hopefully last) time yesterday. He said can I bring my dog she's really well trained I was like um
how is she with chickens he's like oh she's perfect I had a bunch of chickens she's great
so I put my chickens away. Of course. Which sucks for the chickens who looked at me like they were in The Green Mile locked up but I missed one white chicken who I didn't see on the nest at the time and this will play into the drama later.
Mordy shows up with his fatass shinyblackhole car and parks right in the driveway like taking it all up like it is like four cars wide. Then he brings his dog in who immediately takes off running around like an 8 year old at Disneyland and yes it's a beautiful dog, I can definitely see like 700 dollars worth of beauty there I don't know about the full 2000. This guy came for a lesson so I started teaching him how to catch the horse and groom the horse and he's really not paying any attention and my dogs are staring at his spazzy dog like wtf is this guy and I'm just trying to get us out of there quick. This is like bad speed dating where you already know you never want to see this guy again.
So I get him and his dog out of there, on the horse, we're heading to my normal neighborhood ride and his dog is running ahead along the busy street but I actually am interested to see if 2k dogs splatter the same as one dollar dogs, but she does stop at intersections so I give up worrying about the dumb dog because my real goal is to keep the guy on the back of the horse safely til we get all the way back.
This ride he talks first about his dead strict israeli grandfather and then about his business building ADUs which is like apartments you add onto your house to rent out to people. He has a whole company and he's the guy who just sets up the build and then other people do it while he goes riding and buys dogs and boots. I don't know what to talk to him about so I just stick to the jewish I know and we talk aLOT about matzah ball soup. I just think about every meal I've eaten at passover and hanukkah and just keep him talking about that and the weird thing real jews do on saturdays like not touch electricity or whatever and I act interested in why that's a thing.
Meanwhile his dog is running free like Amanda Knox after she got out of italian prison and I say to him gently well you know if there's another horse on the trail I always get off my horse and grab my dog in case their horse is scared of dogs and he's like oh she's fine I don't even OWN a LEASH and I'm like that's really cool but actually it's trail etiquette to protect the other riders so in case someone's horse would flip out by your dog running out of the bushes right in front of them like your dog did just then while you were not paying any attention to my horse you are sitting on currently and you could have been killed but luckily my horses are used to my dogs but that is a skill you understand, years of practice to make a calm horse and he's like silence and I'm like luckily we probably won't see another rider but I'm just saying
be AWARE
So the ride is fine but the whole ride I am thinking of how I would like to break up with Mordy I am thinking of ways to offend him so he wouldn't come back I would say I am going to give all your money to Palestine or if he offered me more money to ride I would say it's not the money, Mordy, I just don't like YOU
We get back to my house and unload off the horses and the one lone white chicken who is loose gets a terrified look in her eye because his dog just starts chasing it. So I have saddles half off and not finished untacking but I have to save the chicken and he's sort of mildly calling his dog but not actually going after it, he's giving carrots to the horses
so I run after the dog and duck through the fence to the pool side and the dog has fallen INTO THE POOL, and is trying to swim while getting tangled up in the pool cover and I am looking at 2000 dollars worth of dog about to die and Mordy is nowhere, Mordy is climbing the fence so he can sit high up and feed carrots to the horses and I reach in and grab the flailing fucking dog and drag her Kardashian ass to the pool step while she tries to swim with four legs in every other direction and the chicken has landed in the pool also but she seems to be happy that no one can get her floating there until her feathers get so wet and heavy she'll drown so I haul the fucking dog out of the fucking pool and then go to rescue my innocent chicken who looks at me gratefully like I'm a vat of hot fudge at Baskin Robbins and I tuck her under my arm away from all dogs and go and put her behind bars with the rest of the flock to dry out in lock up, and I look around and Mordy has all four horses reaching for carrots where he's perched on the fence like Julie Andrews waving a baton at the Von Trapp children and I just think lordy mordy
I say cheerily well she fell in the pool chasing a chicken and he's like hey the horse tried to kick my dog! pointing with a carrot at the offending horse and I stare at him literally for one full minute and I say you're in a BARNYARD. Your dog is in a barnyard.
I tell him maybe he wants a towel for his dog (because I've seen his car and it is not beach ready like my car for sure) and he says yes he would like to take me up on that and so I get one of the old flood towels that we keep in the flood towel area in the garage (for floods) and I say here you know what keep it take it to go
in fact to go now
and he towels off his dog right there shines her up like Queen Elizabeth and then leaves the towel just anywhere right there seems good to him, not folded, not gratefully, and I'm just shoveling them toward the gate and he said he had a great time and off goes Mordy.
I learned alot, fellow adventurers. I learned childhood dogs are best left in glowing childhood memories. That dog was never my lovely mellow childhood dog. That's a what money buys dog. And car. And boots. I'm not saying I didn't like the money.
But where is the horse in all this? The horse brings the big eyed peace. The horse is the reason. That's what was missing, and they were right there under us all along.
This is why I am hoping Mordy never texts again.
