Two weeks in. Post graduate motherhood.
Things have calmed down. That was quite the turmoil, unexpected feeling tornado but it deposited me back down and I'm here, better.
When you fill your life with cleaning up the aftermath of 25 years of kids it's actually really satisfying. I may have been doing too much. I can't stop cleaning now. Cleaning is the the new Bess. Kidding.
It's not like I'm ALL the way done with motherhood. Emma called crying from Boulder the other day. That was good. I liked hearing her, not the crying, but the love that she needed. I had plenty for her. I'm not sure I did her any good but the crying sounds stopped after awhile and there was some laughing and then there she was, my little baby just a bit bigger and in a state not the one I'm in, a few over. But I'm always in the same state Emma's in because she's still mine.
And Bess is doing just fine up the coast. Starting a band. Joining the excursion club. Trying pickle ball. Trying acting. Doing laundry. Wondering what dryer sheets are actually for and if she needs them. And Nathan is just working and changing the tires on and off his and Gio Sk8s cars at night.
I just ride, swim, take care of mom, blow the yard, clean the garage, feel bewildered to be here, clean the housepoolhottub, eat tuna, eat old pizza, have diarrhea, feel guilty that I don't take the dogs on the trail, feed all the animals, feel glad I don't have to worry that Bess doesn't eat anything, read horse training books and sometimes watch sad or funny shows with B at night.
But then I'll read some Emily Dickinson or ee cummings or a french novelist and I will feel like I belong to the world again. I guess I have to write a new thing, or start a new stocking. I haven't had any inspiration hit me, I think I've been in Huge Change and Recovery Mode.
I'll stay open. Something funny will come.
The most interesting thing is training Meriwether because each ride I learn something. Like how to explain to him with my leg that he shouldn't back into the bushes because they feel good to itch his butt on. That it isn't polite when you are hosting a rider on your back to try and sit in the bushes. I am pretty big for him but he is sturdy and he never complains. He likes the work. I definitely will break him to cart, he's done some of the beforework to get him ready but I'm not stupid to try and do something I don't know how to do very well on my own. I'm hoping the cart fairy will see me wishing for her and appear.
Also I miss Kurt. He was so fun and now he's just feeling struggly with his throat troubles. It's hard to have an on call friend for 5 years who now can't fulfill his duties as jokemaster. And it's so difficult for him. Changes are happening everywhere, with all of us, I guess this is what life is about but the abundance of it is a bit dramatic.
Also I can't believe Bess is in film school just like I was back when John Hughes was the shit. How lucky to be here, in my packed full garage, at this end of kids and to have grown up alongside all these kids. We're so full. Not just the garage. We're busting with it.
