Let's have a countdown to my days being an invalid being over. Now I'm scared to be able bodied. But let's wait and see what the stupid doctor says. I wouldn't mind slowing down a bit and not being a hyper spaz. I would like some new dreams to come true. I would like to organize some writing and submit around. I have time to do that now. I have a few years til grandkids so I have some time.
My littlest baby just finished her last final in her first semester of college. This is so huge! What a lucky girl to have all my kids going to college and being successful and trying all sorts of new things and being independent and still loving. And to have horses outside.
The horses are the glue that holds everything together.
I had a friend drop out on me, my horsey companion friend. He just quit when I needed him most, when I was healing from this injury I got while doing him a favor taking his friend and his horse out. He really let me down. He says it's because the emoji I put on his text was a thumbs up emoji and because I didn't say thank you, I just sent a thumbs up emoji when he was helping me the one time with my horses after I was hurt, he thought I needed distance so he stopped texting or helping me.
I finally asked him after a whole month wtf actually happened? Why did you disappear? And then he told me that emoji caused him to leave me alone.
I told him that I was pushing my mom in a wheelchair while I was on a knee scooter, and while my house was being attacked by bank fraud. Have you ever tried to care for a total care dementia patient while you are on a knee scooter? Have you ever tried to push someone up a ramp in a wheelchair when you only have one throbbing leg? You can't actually do it.
Then it rained like noah's ark time for three days and the mud was so bad in the barn I couldn't knee scooter through there and the knee scooter was eating a hole in my knee. So then Leo Mucker at the high cost of money was hired to be my barn self, and Barry was hired at the cost of nothing but bunches of tears to help push mom up the ramp and I had to order everyone around which was way harder than just doing the fucking things myself.
I had to make mom's bed at one point, we had hoisted mom up from the wheelchair in the swing and she was hanging in space waiting to be lowered while we made the bed under her and B had the pile of sheets and I said hand me that bottom sheet and he said what's a bottom sheet. Wide eyed emoji. I said what do you mean what's a BOTTOM SHEET it has elastic. He said they didn't have elastic when he was growing up. I said YOU HAVE MADE A BED SINCE THE 1940's BRO. Once the sheets were on I said hand me that pillowcase and he said WHAT'S A PILLOWCASE
I said ARE YOU ACTUALLY MENTAL
ARE YOU MENTAL
Later after yelling at him for a very long time I asked him what the hell was wrong with him and he said what he meant was, which ONE is the pillowcase, because it was a flannel unmatched pillowcase so it wasn't like he didn't KNOW what a PILLOWCASE was, he just thought the flannel thing was a shirt.
But I said what if you LOOKED AT THE THING AND TURNED IT OVER IN YOUR HANDS UNTIL YOU SAW IT WAS ACTUALLY A POCKET FOR A PILLOW
instead of saying WHAT'S A PILLOWCASE
So this is what I was dealing with when Kurt texted me that he had taken two of my horses out and he couldn't get to the other two horses yet because of the mud and I texted back a thumbs up emoji
instead of saying "thank you"
So he took his help and love away.
So this is now a month later and I am realizing that I have to be really clear to ask for the help I need, even when I am in pain and overwhelmed, especially when texting or talking to boys.
Or I will not get the results I require.
Also it is just douchy to leave your friends when you know they are hurting. When you're hurting you should be allowed to be a mess
So it's almost heading into a new year, I will have a superfixed ankle bone if my body is doing its mending job and it has never let me down in the past. I have a new appreciation for a life lived safely and boringly, I feel lucky for all the millions of rides I've done where the best thing that happens is we see a pretty slant of light on a leafy path, or a bird pauses to watch us go by in the creek.
These are the applause of nature, and I am missing them. I told this to B when driving to try and put up christmas lights at my boss's house which we later aborted moments later due to exploding pre-war light strands that needed replacing. I said to B when we were driving back down Hollywood Way how I can't stand to even be on the freeway, when I'm not riding. At least with riding I can handle it, this city with the swelling of humans and cars everywhere, because if I have ridden I have seen an empty path, I've heard only hoof falls in quiet, and I've seen trees and sky. But with no riding, the freeways crisscross through my eye nerves, surfing me toward the crashing rocks.
I told my friend that I didn't think the Chinese had invented an emoji for the amount of stress I had been under but that next time I would certainly search out that emoji and click accordingly. I told my friend that we would have to start over from now, and let it all wash away. So it is a fresh start. But really, I have now a door open there, because it's best when people want to leave, to let them.
