It's a New Year. I am still waiting for it to happen, in my guts. I saw the countdown. My one daughter was there, in New York. Deciding she didn't need to live there ever, she said. Even though it's as cold as Boulder, it seems way colder. I'd say it's because everyone wears black there, I told her. When I went to NYU I remembered thinking what happened to color
How can color be uncool
Course it mighta changed since then, that was 1984.
I have been back riding for five straight days. I thought I would be scared to get back on and actually I was a little scared the first time, but it helps to have gentle faces on the ground that you can put all your faith into, and then swing your leg over and get on with it.
I don't know how to be in the world usually, everyone seems to be so far away from who I really am, this body holding my throbbing real self, the pulp of emotion I drag around and try not to spill everywhere. I have to tone down myself wholly in order to fit through doors but on the outside I look like a regular person. I have secret weapons, I immerse myself in water at the Y. Water has enough space for me. Swimming makes me feel normal. Getting back on the fat horse that I tumbled from is a good place to be.
At the new year's day party I went to at Barry's family's house, there was a lady Nora that had stood at my horse's head on stocking day when I got on the mounting block and got on my horse the first time after my broken ankle. It was barely healed enough to get on, but I got on carefully because I could look down and see a face holding my horse's reins, steadying my nerves with her calm presence. So I got on and rode around the backyard for a minute, feeling my ankle twinging telling me it still needed a few more weeks of careful.
I saw Nora again at this new party and I don't know her really that well, she's a relative of a relative that keeps showing up at parties, she's someone you'd never notice, she wears a flannel shirt and makes really good cornbread, and she is pretty quiet. Anyway I told her at this party yesterday, hey I've been getting on my horses five days in a row now, and everytime I get on if I'm nervous I think about your face down there calmly looking up, being there for me.
I don't know how people have friends or talk about cool things or do parties and act normal, but this part of the party made me feel good cause I got to tell someone I don't know very well that their face is still helping me.
I think it would be nice if this was most of the world, being there for people and not knowing how much you are helping someone else. By doing nothing just being there.
That would be a good thing for the new year. Realizing you are important and not knowing how much people are feeling your presence. It is a mystery, isn't it. I have this every day with my disappearing mom, she is there but mostly I am there for both of us. I put her in the bed tonight and felt proud of my care of this lengthy legged needy human, tucking her feet into the bed, making sure she wasn't thirsty, brushing her teeth, telling her I'm here for you mom you are safe with me
It is nice to show up, man
Even though it is always muddy right now and there are leaks we've been trying to fix, and my mom can't be the mom she always was, being there smoothing my feathers, she is still floating here I am so glad to have her face looking up at me.
