It's a Saturday and Bess is home from college just for the weekend and she's sleeping in the sun in her room which is all cleaned and de-bruced for her so he could enjoy her time in her space.
It was Disneyland week and Emma birthday week, so sleep was not on the agenda, and now Emma's packed off to Boulder and Nathan filled his trunk with balloons and flowers for his girlfriend and we all laughed seeing that happiness, and now he's out at the beach and I could rest a minute, it's nice out, it's just I still I have this houseguest this this there's this guy here who is this
this guy in the unibomber sweatshirt who is loud and walks loud and wears headphones everywhere and eats meals every hour. He can be funny which is the part I like but today is a Saturday and he started the day so loud and overly cheerful as I was wheeling my mom in so the inner me that wasn't awake yet just stepped myself to the side and filled up the gap with anxiety.
I tried to do just my regular day, feed me and mom, set her up in the sun, go riding and then come in, make waffles for Bess and then retire to the beloved couch to be nearby company for my mom and read or enjoy time resting. Then the unibomber guy comes to wrestle the dogs that are lying peacefully near me. I wait. Then he decides to sit in the same room on another couch and I try and be patient with his noise and sighing and eating. I'm just quietly learning some french in the sunshine with the brady bunch on for my mom, and he's making fun of that show and it's only on cause it's peaceful and gentle, and I'm used to dealing with only one wheelchair person nearby. No extra people. It disrupts my relaxation.
So I go outside for awhile and take a second ride, and then wheel my mom into the back bedroom since he's taken over my living room, so I can find this nice back quiet space to be, and read and sit with my mom for another last bit of the day. B hides in his office all day long, so I'm going to do the same.
Then here he is again, coming in to wrestle the dog at my feet, even though I am reading and not looking at anything but the book. He leaves. Then he comes back, with the bowl of popcorn that is mine I made for me and he sets it up like he's going to sit on the bed here. I finally say so quietly hey I'm having some quiet time right now in here. I needed some quiet.
He takes the popcorn bowl and exits.
I've been trying something new which is to not say anything, just live my life in my house. This person is important to B, so I am trying to just live my life without any conflict and definitely without talking about anything. This guy roasted B's balls over a pit viciously for years by text and I am not over that horror. So the feel of this guy in my house is like pouring vinegar over a perfectly good watermelon. Which someone did at a party one time to make a "super cool trendy" salad but in fact just made a shitty tasting watermelon.
I want my quiet home without anxiety. I live enough with anxiety all alone, generated and stoked by me. I don't need a walking anxiety ball in my eyesight to now add the extra. I am very aware whenever he has a knife and is in my kitchen. But also I watch too many murder shows.
I am at work all the time because of living at my job here caring for my mom these last almost 6 years now. So I have to manage my time and quiet carefully so I don't fry my brain and feelings with overworrying, which is what you do with a dementia mom. I'm already fried, and also this guy is not my emergency, as my cousin's firefighter husband say. I'm a suck it all in kind of person but I can't suck it all in, I am not sucking in dirty creek water washed up after heavy rain. I'm looking for clear water, with pebbles I can see at the bottom. That's what you do at the creek when you're riding if you don't want your horse to sink in quicksand. I have a desire to not be airlifted out of a bog.
And also, in a grander sense, a family is built with hard work. Belonging to a family means you earned your way in by showing up and throwing in your whole heart for others to see, dismantle, encourage and share the growth. You can't walk into my family. Some of us have been working at it for years here. You certainly can't shit all over my family and then show up and expect to not have to earn your way back. You need to read the room, be incredibly respectful and take out the trash. I am handing him the trash can right now, but maybe someday he will see the trash and take it out before I have to ask.
So I am aiming for the clear pebbles, and I'm not going to be responsible for a 41 year old emergency trying to figure himself out. That's what his life is for, his glowing path, the one that he's on all by himself. We all have this unfolding beauty right in front of us, all for ourselves, we all have our very own path, and it's so humbling to look at all our choices and the moments we get to have. This is my feeling. I have had all the emergencies I want in my life. I'm happy for the clear pebbles and the quiet bedroom. I'm gonna fight for that.
Why they gotta make all these challenges all the time, it's Valentine's Day for heck's sake. B got all the girls in the house flowers cause he says even if it's sexist to only get the girls flowers, he says he was doing it before sexism was a thing.
He's a clear pebble.
