This month has disneyland in it so I feel like I'm in olympic training to do that run through the park we like to do. It's happening in 3 days and I'm not quite ready but my niece is going and she likes to NOT run through the park so I'm not sure how I'm going to do it the way I like to do it. I think I might just run anyway.
After this ankle injury I had to heal up my broken heart mostly, but you know what's been so good? Swimming. And riding. I told B the only sports I like to keep my body strong are things that hold me up. Floating in water and dangling from the top of Dewey, it's so nice to give the burden of your body to a body of water, or put your whole self on a huge furry beast.
Dewey doesn't mind carrying me silently and steadfastly. He says go ahead man. Look at the birds. Listen to stuff. Forget roads. Forget people. Forget ankles. Oh maybe stretch that ankle while you're riding. Sing.
I forced B to come to the Y with me to swim this winter since our pool feels like the water inside Santa's eyes right now. The Y is very entertaining. It's about 4 old men with white beards and bloated bellies (oh wait, santa) and they mostly like to just HANG OUT at the end of a lane, with their arms hoisted casually on the side of the pool. There's some hefty ladies too wearing sunhats even though we're inside and it's cloudy. I guess when they're getting dressed, they're like okay, POOL = FUN HAT. They look like old moms who would be really good at making you a turkey sandwich and chocolate milk while they talked about their day. Aside from watching the old people as I do laps I like to just look at the glass ceiling where there are patches of sunshine peeking in, and the ceiling has some old used up panels which makes me feel the same. Part sunshine, part broken. I let the water hold me up, it is vast and it says no problem. It says here. Use more of me. There's water everywhere. Barely anyone is using me. B walks the laps like he's run bobbing away from robbers. He's dashing at the speed of boing boing boing. I usually share a lane with him and I manage to hit him in the face at least 3 times when passing him. If he's not there and there's too many old men I have to share a lane with some weirdo and I try and pick the slowest, most likely to die guy in there. That way they spend most of the time lounging at the end of the lane and I can actually swim without slapping anyone accidentally as we pass.
I finally made it back to the creek with the horses after 3 long months of recovery. It took lots of short rides building my muscles and then the swimming. Then it was just the right day, 80 degrees in February the other day, so we went. Then I went again the next day, so all four horses are back on track with our regular rides. This ankle did make me feel like giving up. It was just a hard few months back there.
Tell me I'll make it through disneyland and hopefully have fun. Little Evie is coming from Boulder, and we're going on the day she squeezed out of my body, 24 years ago. It'll be time with my babies, except for the UCSB one who has midterms.
Even though I'm swimming and riding, pondering what to write next, cleaning, and caring for mom and hiding from B's son who is 4 weeks into his 12 week stay with us, I'm really secretly still just waiting for the kids to come back. I'm still raising them, in my guts. I'm not deciding to do that, it's just happening to me. My guts have decided to always be with the children. It was so good in there. Everything else seems just like a waste of time. A mom in search of her ducklings.
This is just a weird whirlpool.
I'll let the horses and water hold me up, and look up at the sunshine.
