So many changes happening, people coming and going, babies getting bigger and planning next steps, of course I start looking at baby horses.
It's only because I have enjoyed so much learning how to grow a baby horse and seeing that everything you teach you do in tiny steps, maybe it's reminding me of being a mom, when I was good at it, when they were tiny. I liked that everything slowed down to little person pace, that time stretched out and that the achievements were so small that no one except me and the baby horse or person could see it. It's like if ants built a towering two inch condominium, they would stand back in awe but then someone would step on it because they weren't looking. You have to be looking to see the prize.
Nathan starting new job. Emma starting PhD program in another state, one requiring a crossing of the rockies and me with no indian guide. Bess starting her senior year in high school! B doing his thing. And my mom is slowly turning into a circle, rolling forward into the universe eventually but for now she still requires apples and cheerios and petting.
What does a mom do with herself? After no one needs the care? I mean I STILL need a mom's care, so maybe there's no stopping it, but society tells me I must function and bring in money. What shall I do? What am I good at?
Who cares? I want to raise another baby horse. I'm pretty good at it. I thought I could run a boarding/training stable and have some land, but I can't move away from my family here unless they went with me on my dream. Also I'm a writer. Is there work for comedy writers with horse sense?
My horse situation seems vital. Let's get back to it. It's not like I'm trying to outrun death by playing with sleek and comforting barn creatures. Kurt's health is getting worse so he's going to be moving his horse to another doting person and that leaves room in my barn. I could take the space and enjoy it. Or I could get Meriwether a buddy to grow up with. Dewey and Mags have each other. Then I can enjoy the training of a youngster again. I learned so much with Meri. Still learning, but the foundation is solid.
I'm not sure what I was supposed to do with my life. I went to college, I worked, I wrote, I had kidsssssssssssssssss that took up a bunch of time, that was my real goal, lbh, at heart I was just a slightly gay 40's homemaker. Check that box. So now where I am I? I can always sub again. It's easy and nearby, and of course I'll do that sometimes. But the fun wore off it now that the kids are big, I want to see where they're going, not stay back in the past.
I have a pretty amazing life. I look around me every day and I can't believe how lucky I am. I have my mom's face here, there's ice cream with my other mom and dad, there's swimming and dogs and even vacuuming isn't too bad if it's not hot. The house is a little like a youth hostel now, with bigger kids coming through, everyone's in school, or working, but they're still around, they still check in.
I guess I'll just keep thinking. I'm still in post production on this Dementia project. I'm just thinking, do you ever get to that point where you're like what am I here for? in the best way, I mean.
